February 8, 2008
Good morning, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit Sarayu!
You are blowing Your wind in my life! and this morning You sent me two messages right off!
You know I’ve been “worrying” about the future – not about specific scenarios or whatever, but about getting going “working for You,” “doing something worthwhile” (That’s been part of my “school struggles” – feeling that I’m not doing anything positive… if anything, doing things negatively… poor quality teaching, poor role modeling, poor example of You, poor “teaching about You” (well, I’m supposed to more like just live out Your life naturally, as I walk with You – but it has been seeming to me that “my walk” is so erratic, so messed up, even so confused.
I seem to be learning new things about You, from You, even in You and with You… and yet it just seems to reveal more and more clearly all my short-comings … it's not easy to see myself in that light – or darkness, as the case seems so often to be.
I really think You are allowing me to be so tired, so unable to “do good/ well” on my own, so that I just HAVE TO daily, step by step, moment by moment trust in You, walk with You, totally depend on You – and stop trying to plan ahead, to do good/ well “for You” (and for me, yuck, oh dear…)… just really really learn [change in behavior! Attitude! Thought! – Spirit!]! to rest and abide in You!
I do miss friends who’ve left the church, and doing things (simple things, just visiting or going for a walk or whatever) with friends and family… I’m lonely, it feels like, for my family… and my friends… and for Your (our!) family, too… and most of all, I AM LONELY FOR YOU!!!! (I just realized that… it just became clear… I need a way closer, clearer, daily, constant, lively relationship with You - and Your body (living stones! Living sap running into me, the branch, from You, the vine and root!)
Oh thank You for helping me see that so suddenly clearly… and I can’t “make” that happen, can I? I just have to be there, attached, open, available for You to pour Your life into me – and out through me, as You graft my poor, dead, tossed-into-the-fire-pile wild, scrappy, almost fruitless branch, into Your vine to then produce rich foliage and wonderful huge clumps of big fat juicy grapes (like the ones from Canaan land!) instead of the tiny, sourish, seedy, dry, sparse wild grapes, like those ones that grew in mom and dad’s front yard, apparently from seeds dropped by passing birds or something. I need You, the master gardener, to cut me loose from the “wild stock” in the poor soil by the busy roadside (parking lot!) of life, and transplant – graft – me onto Your rich vine, the only good foundation, and then constantly pruned, fertilized, watered, trimmed, diseased parts removed, wasteful parts cut away, weeds removed, located in clear sunshine – and harvested regularly at the perfect peak of ripeness: wow! Thank You!
I can’t harvest myself, can I? I’ve really tried to do that, haven’t I? Oh, my goodness! I didn’t even see that or know that. It isn’t my harvest at all, is it? It’s Your harvest, the effort of the gardener – and the glory and reward of the gardener’s effort! I’m just the branch… and if I insist on being left alone to “do it myself” I just end up like those hopeless little wild grape vines beside the driveway… or those poor apple trees that hadn’t been properly cared for and were diseased, and dying, and the fruit was either almost non-existent or sometimes loaded with tiny apples that no one wanted… and when the trees were finally pruned, they sent up all those suckers … and had to be pruned even more (what’s that about?)..