June 10, 2008
Yesterday I was reading through my journal from when my grandson was born. At that time I was friends with ___ and his mom, and attending the Pentecostal (and other) churches there, and going through major family struggles – and praying a lot – an hour every day, as it developed – intercessory prayers for communities, etc based on those videos (and I really did do that for a long time!) and longing for real, deep adventure with and for God (Bible study, prayer, music, “good” churches, “ transformed” communities, Christian family – kids and hubby and me too… wanting more in my spiritual life… longing for active, noticeable “gifts of the Spirit” that would attract people to God…
Well, another thing was that music was so important to me then, as part of my reaching out to You… sometimes I kind of miss that enthusiasm, but at the same time I don’t want to go back there! My guitar sits kind of forlornly in the corner, and I rarely listen to CDs, tapes, etc… and even at church, I am not “into” the singing like I was… sometimes I don’t sing at all… and yet at that time it was so important to me… and I begged You for the gift of writing songs… and You didn’t give it to me… and I begged to be part of at least a “jamming” group (I guess I really wanted to be “up there under the lights” as part of – leading! – a worship team”… and that didn’t happen either… rather, I was rejected – big time – by that old guy at the Pentecostal, but the worship team at the Christian Fellowship, wellthey just didn’t need me, at Abundant Life (the pastor just didn’t see me as “professional enough” … or as someone he could “work with” … oh well! That turned out to be a good thing, I think…kind of sadly, though…) – and most painfully at the time, my “worship leading” at the life group in that community, that was suddenly, without warning, yanked out from under me… But when I look back, I see it was all of You! thank You! Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit! (It seems like all that “gifts” and “ministry” emphasis is so easily – just is??? – at least sure can be! – us-centered…)
For a bit I even thought about leaving the “traditional church” altogether (So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore? … Pagan Christianity …. House churches…) but it seems like in everything pretty much (still worrying about my future a bit… help…), You are bringing me more and more to just taking life moment by moment as You bring it along… balance… not “in the limelight” .. not “recognized” ….
Just wanting to know You, love You, trust You, obey You… however You want that to turn out.
(Help me, please, to “let go” of “the future” too, Lord Jesus! Thank You!... but still, please bring my family… all of them.. to You! Yes… Your will be done…)
(Still spending time with You in a pretty focused way, even if it isn’t so “planned by me” … Lord? Thank You! Keep it UNPLANNED BY ME, please!)