Looking back... trying to figure things out.... about church and You and me...

July 14, 2007

Cochrane AB …. I was wondering why on earth it happened that I ended up visiting _____ instead of being able to visit my daughter as I had planned.

But of course it was God’s plan (I knew that of course, but I didn’t know why…). I think it is become clearer to me after tonight’s conversation…

On Wednesday night when I was doing my devotions, reading in Matthew, I really felt God impressing on me that I will be leading a new Bible study for women on the reality of living the life of the kingdom of heaven, the life Jesus taught and lived. Imagine how I felt when I read that email ___ sent, and the list she showed me with “Bible Studies” written by my name.

Of course I have led Bible Studies before… ones that God gave me to lead, studied in the Word (vs “book studies”). And I’m pretty sure that teaching is one of my gifts… although I have never really been sure about my gift(s) because different people have insisted that they “know” my gift(s), and that if I had a different idea I must be confused.

Anyway, I have to say that I have been going through struggle lately… I used to have all kinds of great ideas, and self confidence about my abilities, and was always trying to plan my life. Of course the more I tried to be “responsible” in this way, the more my life got messed up. I thought I was a great mom, for example, and then my kids went down paths that blew that self-concept out of the water. I thought I was a great school teacher – and then all the years we were in our last community I couldn’t get hired by the school board even as a substitute. Lots of stuff like that.

Finally, it seems I have gotten to the point where I have said to the Lord, “Okay, I will do whatever You want me to do, even it if means giving up every single dream and hope and plan I’ve ever had… even if it means my children never come to You (that was the very hardest thing – demand! – to give up)… even if I never get to be a missionary to South America (or anywhere else) or even don’t get to go on short term missions… even if I never get to teach – or preach – again… even if I never get to live the vision and call which I have been convinced for many years came from You… even if my husband stays in logging forever and never goes into ministry; I will submit to him according to Your word (that’s the second hardest thing… partly because it seems like all those other dreams/ visions/ calls hang on that).

After I first became a Christian (1982) I was asked a number of times to give my “preachimony” in different churches and groups… and every time I did, people would be in tears, and without my knowledge, my talk was taped and copies made many times and passed around, as I found out later.

Then there was a gap of time, until my husband went to Bible School. In 1989, God laid a very clear, incredibly definite call on my life to preach and teach His Word. But when I talked to our pastor about it, he said it couldn’t be, because I am a woman, and I have been divorced. “But maybe you can teach a womens Bible Study,” he said. That was kind of discouraging, but in spite of that, suddenly I was being asked by a variety of womens groups (church WM, Women Aglow, etc) to speak. And again, every time I spoke, the room would be filled with tears, and again the messages God gave me were taped (unknown to me) and copied and passed around.

During this time, God also began giving me a specific vision of His call on my life. I was very excited when my husband graduated from Bible School (Pastoral Theology) but then we went back to his islands (1992) and he went back, first to work as a Commissionaire on the base, and then back to logging. I led Sunday School, and sometimes led services at the Anglican Church when the priest was away. But eventually we couldn’t attend there.

Eventually we moved to a new community (1999) and once again I was being asked to speak at Women Aglow, etc. Same reactions as all the other times.

When our grandson was born I started going to Abundant Life (2001). The pastor was really big on people writing out their vision, and every so often would tell everyone to write it out and give it to him and he said he would then help each person to move toward that. 3 times I submitted my vision, with no response. Finally I took the 100 to 600 courses he offered, and he decided on the basis of an Internet quiz he had us take, that my gift was “administration!” (although it was actually lower on the list than teaching and writing, and was tied with hospitality and music). (Teaching was way out ahead of the others). So he assigned me to re-do the church filing system and organize the church library (which I am very capable of, but find boring and really don’t want to do)…

Finally, he let me work on the church newsletter, for a couple months, but I did too much writing and not enough pictures. So he finally gave in and let me lead a Bible Study.

Now I have lead two Bible studies (both 6 to 8 months) and I also have done some coordinating of womens ministries – and we had awesome womens gatherings last summer.

But as I said earlier, after the second Bible study ended in February, I just felt at total loose ends, and came to the point where I was finally willing to give up all my hopes and dreams and plans – even the ones I was sure were from God. (Oh – I also have felt that it was totally God’s leading that I got my job teaching French, and that He was using it to prepare me for ministry that would include using the French language in a foreign country – many nations speak French). (But I was willing to finally “let go” of that, too).

But after this “letting go” I have felt like I am living in a kind of vacuum. I have tried to just walk every day in God’s presence, and take each moment as it comes, without making any plans. This has been a strange experience for a person who used to be an obsessive planner! It has been a battle not to take things back. And because of this sort of “vacuum” – not rushing around planning and “doing activities for God” – I have had more quiet space in my mind and heart, and have become distressingly aware of my imperfections and follies and sins… which has made me almost afraid to contemplate doing anything. I find I can’t even talk openly about spiritual things, or pray as easily anymore, or even hang out with people comfortably because of my awareness of my lack of holiness, and my inability to live anywhere near the kind of life that a child of the kingdom is to strive to live.

I was glad when my responsibility on the Pastoral Search Team was done, and I just didn’t want to think about doing anything else (except Wednesday evening get-togethers we’ve been having with ____ – and even there I’ve been holding back).

Even my devotional life has suffered. I have “kept up” with my “read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year” but I’ve found it so hard to focus. I’ve found focused prayer to be really difficult (though I can still pray throughout the day sometimes). I’ve hardly been writing in my prayer journal, or my other writing, though my prayers and my writing are in my heart and my head, but I find it so hard to let them out. When I got sick in mid May… I suddenly did a huge amount of writing in 2 or 3 days, but then got too sick to do anything, and I was really sick for 3 full weeks, and very tired and weak for another couple weeks. And that just added to my situation.

So when I came out to here, I was wondering why I ended up here with them. but it seems to me that it was God’s way of breaking through this shell of fear or emptiness or whatever it has been.

Look at this - I have written more right here than I have for ages… And I’ve started to think again about what God has called me to do. Maybe I will give them my “vision statement” when they get settled in our community (since they are our new pastor and family. I have been afraid to even look at it – or think about it – any more.

But yes, I do believe God is giving me another Bible Study to lead… and I do believe God is calling me (us – my husband and I – in God’s timing and plan) into some kind of mission. And I believe still that God has called me to speak to women… and those other things in my “vision” too (intentional community, holistic living in Christian community, retreat center – and some other things) like the barter group…

That’s all I have to say for now. Still a bit scared – maybe because I believe God has BIG plans – and plans like that can only be fulfilled by total submission to the power of the Holy Spirit, and I think because of all this I’ve been quenching the Spirit… and I don’t know how to get past things like “You’re a women; you can’t do that when your children aren’t following God; and these other things I’ve already mentioned. I’m having a hard time sorting out what is from God and what is the enemy…

I just want to trust and obey… and be happy in Jesus. I don’t need things. I don’t need man’s approval anymore (and I used to crave it). I don’t even need a “special ministry.” I just want to know Jesus more and more and more.

Maybe I don’t even have to think about “ministry” and “leadership” and other words (dirty words they sometimes feel like) anymore.

I just want to humbly “practice the Presence of God” – for His glory.

___ loaned me a book called “They Found the Secret” that told the stories of “defining moments” in the lives of famous Christians when they “broke through” or experienced “entire sanctification” or were “filled with the Spirit” – and everything changed suddenly and irrevocably.

That doesn’t seem to be my journey – though it does sometimes seem like an awfully nice way to go.

Sometimes I feel like a snail in my whole spiritual journey.

But oh, oh, oh – I do love my Lord, and I am so so so grateful for everything He has done for me, and continues to do for me, step by step, moment by moment. Thank You, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I love You!