December 6, 2007
I’m still working on the “kingdom of God” study but without a goal I find it hard to “put it together” though I am surely enjoying the learning itself. I guess maybe it just seems to me like the learning should result in some action (like preps result in teaching, at school) and there doesn’t seem much hope in that area. I guess I am just being impatient – please forgive me! I know Your Word is never void and always fulfills Your purpose! So I just must sit back, relax, soak up Your Word, and get to know You better! And any other purposes You have will be revealed and opened in Your timing! Yes!
I sent a copy of that “colonization” paper to ___. It really “grabbed” me – gave some “shape” to what I’ve been “feeling” for a long time... especially, in my case, about school… but I think, also, in his case about church. (It reminds me of the underlying current of the “Jake book.”) But one needs to be careful about how one defines “church” in relation to that article’s thoughts… if it refers to church in it’s institutionalized form, I can see that… but church as the “body of Christ” … what about that??? … and where does the whole “leadership” thing fit in?
What about pastors and deacons, etc? Where does God-ordained structure leave off and man-created structure kick in? How do we know – or even see it? Don’t we “inherit” a lot of our ideas from the “colonialized” structures we grew up with? Isn’t it true of life itself? Didn’t a lot (if not all) native tribes have their own “colonial” structures, especially those which took slaves, etc? Isn’t it rally part of the sin-laden “human condition”? The author denies that all groups are “colonial” … and yet they all have “structures” of some kind, with levels of power etc, don’t they? (maybe not right at first, but the human drive for “me” is awfully strong…). And how does this relate to the “structure” of the “Kingdom of God?” For surely there is a structure there… there is a King, an ultimate ruler, a “system” of righteousness… or is that wrong?
See what I mean? I have so many questions, Lord! And You do give me answers… even to (especially to) questions I have not been able to really articulate, but yet are there! Still, I am impatient… I’m sorry… And perhaps it is wise not to allow me to get into a “group” where I could be tempted into absorbing the world’s thinking… which, I’m afraid, is wrapped up in the “colonization” article...(I really want to be able to know for sure when it is Your voice I am hearing… Lord? Please? Thank You…)
Reading in Nahum and Habakkuk this morning… Woe! Judgment! Shame!
And yet… Hab 2:20 But the LORD is in his holy temple: let all the earth keep silence before him.
Maybe that’s my trouble… my mind is full of loud, cymbal-clashing thoughts, frustrations, worries (I thought those were mostly gone!)… and maybe I need to turn them off – consciously – and learn to be silent before You… in reverence, awe, meditatively, a clean slate open to whatever You want to teach/ show/ guide me… Lord???
2:13 Behold, is it not from the LORD of hosts that peoples labor only for fire, and nations weary themselves for naught? 14 For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea.
Lord, is my “striving for knowledge and understanding” wrong? Am I striving in the way of the “world’s knowledge and understanding” rather than “the knowledge of the glory of the LORD”? Is the “knowledge” I am trying to gain really shallow – a “mile wide and an inch deep”- rather than Your “deep” …. Deep and full “as the waters cover the sea”?
Is all my “struggling” – to “understand”… to “prepare” …. To be “ready to teach” at school (and maybe in Bible studies, etc) all “for naught?” … is it just coming from me? Are my motives wrong? Am I just wanting recognition of me? Oh Lord, my “me” sure wants to be in control. It hates You, doesn’t it? But it doesn’t want to come right out and say that, because then I’d maybe fight harder against it, and see it for what it really is.. so it tries to be subtle… tries to present its goals as being Your purposes.. and so often I get right sucked into its lies!
Lord, whether it’s the enemy, his forces, the influences of the world around me, or even my “self” itself… it all comes to the same thing... rebellion against You… “independence” (which is really impossible for a created being, isn’t it? … I mean, ultimately… or maybe [actually?] even momentarily?) … oh God, dear Heavenly Father God.. please cleanse my spirit… wash my mind and body and emotions too… oh dear God, please make me fully holy and fully in dependence upon and love for You! Thank You,Lord!