I don't know what You are doing in our midst... help us see as You see... and trust You... abiding...

January 28, 2008

Lord, “church” yesterday – the gathering of Your children at Abundant Life… was a gathering of Your people. You were in the room (well You always are… although it seems we often kind of push You out into the foyer or even into the street and slam and lock the doors,,, and there You stand, knocking (like it says TO THE CHURCH in Revelation 3:16) … but Lord, I do believe that more and more You are among us, and that You are working in many lives, and that hearts are opening to You… and to each oher… and out the door and into the streets and highways and byways of Your church and Your lost children and all Your creation…

(Lord, soup (well, spaghetti) was nice too, but I long for more of You in it… more interaction, worship, sharing, praying… perhaps it will come, I don’t know… Lord, I guess I haven’t done this: I haven’t really brought it to You and purposely, deliberately asked You to come and take it over (toss it out, if that is best! Whatever!) … that Your will be done. I mean, I’m glad that some lonely people have a place to go and have fun and friendship and – well, yes, love! And that’s good… But couldn’t we spend more time with You… but maybe we are…

Oh dear God, I don’t know what You are doing in our midst. I don’t see the whole picture like You do. And I have given the “big picture” of my life to You and asked that You would just work out Your purposes in my life, day by day, moment by moment… and then I get anxious again and again… because I don’t “see” what it is You are doing

(Oh Lord, yesterday when they congratulated that girl for being our community's “young entrepreneur” of the years, I have to tell You – You already know of course, but I need to confess it, and ask forgiveness anyway… because it is sin and it does separate me from You, and I just feel so lonely already with all my rushing around… doing “good things” (theoretically) – but missing out on You!!! … well, Lord, I was suddenly so jealous, and even angry… and a lot disappointed and even despairing … because I was wishing that I’d be recognized like that… that I could even do something wonderful like ___ who is going off to Israel again (though I didn’t feel jealous this time about her – Thank You! I’m happy You are sending her and she gets to go while I’m still here!) …

but I just had this picture of me never getting public recognition, and getting older all the time, and less and less chance… never even get to be “teacher of the year” or something… recognition for the gifts You’ve give me (isn’t that how ___ presented her…?) … anyway, that’s silly because the recognition needs to go to You! The gifts are from You! I am not even sure what gifts they are that You have given me… Jill of all trades, master of none…

And I’m "not even supposed to” want the world’s recognition (and frankly, I’m coming to think that the “church’s recognition”- Christendom’s recognition – might even be a more dangerous thing than the world’s … might be a real victory for the enemy who delights in twisting what is good into the worst kind of evil, yes, even trying to make the church more independent – separated from You, if possible – than the world. Oh my, we need to have our eyes so wide open… and our hearts and lives so abiding in You so we do see as You see, love as You love, walk in obedience and abide in You… practice Your Presence (as in putting it into practice, and, yes, practicing till it becomes natural, our very breath and life!! not just a life-saving device to suck up some oxygen now and then when things get desperate…). (There You go again, helping me “see” more clearly… what You see… Thank You).

Anyway, Father, I was starting out to say that, in all the theoretically good and right and necessary and “religious” (oh dear…) things I’ve been doing, I’ve been missing out on really being in relationship with You. It just seems to so easily become an intellectual exercise thing (doing for instead of responding to and doing together; learning about – even “sharing about”- rather than abiding in…

There You go again, showing me a picture I can understand: the difference between “doing exercises” from a video or at the gym or whatever… and just going out there and getting lots of healthy natural exercise doing what You give us to do every day…. Man, it is a big picture… I could write about that for pages…