Washing each others feet... frely following You... how to show love? ...

May 2008 miscellaneous notes from my “John study”

2. So during supper, Satan having already put the thought of betraying Jesus in the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, 3. Jesus, knowing (fully aware) that the Father had put everything into His hands, and that He had come from God and was [now] returning to God, 4. Got up from supper, took off His garments and taking a [servant’s] towel, He fastened it around His waist. 5. Then He poured water into the washbasin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the [ servant’s] towel with which he was girded. 6. When he came to Simon Peter, [Peter] said to Him, Lord, are my feet to be washed by You? - is it for You to wash my feet? 7. Jesus said to him, You do not understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later on. 8. Peter said to Him, You shall never wash my feet! Jesus answered him, Unless I wash you, you have no part with [in] Me – no share in the companionship with Me. 9. Simon Peter said to Him, Lord, [wash] not only my feet, but my hands and my head, too! 10. Jesus said to him, Any one who is bathed needs not to wash except his feet, but is clean all over. And you [My disciples] are clean, but not all of you. 11. For He knew who was going to betray Him; that was the reason He said, You are not all of you clean. 12. So when He had finished washing their feet and had put on His garments and had sat down again, He said to them, Do you understand what I have done to you? 13. You call Me the Teacher (Master) and the Lord, and you are right in doing so, for that is what I am. 14. If I then, your Lord and Teacher (Master), have washed your feet, you ought – it is your duty, you are under obligation, you owe it – to wash one anothers feet. 15. For I have given you this as an example, so that you should do [in your turn] what I have done to you. 16. I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, A servant is not greater than his master, and no one who is sent is superior to the one who sent him. 17. If you know these things, blessed and happy and to be envied are you if you practice them – if you act accordingly and really do them.

(So I think this is part of faithfulness… being willing to do even the smallest, “lowliest” things for each other, serving, waiting upon, caring for… kind of like what my husband and the other care attendants are doing, that so many other people say, “Oh I just couldn’t do that…” … And it is to do it willingly, freely – without pay… that is something I am struggling with right now… I want to be “free to serve You”… but then I find myself thinking that I have to be “wasting time earning money” in order to do that… and yes, I know that there are opportunities to serve in the working world, too… but I feel like that is not what You are calling me to…

When Pastor ___spoke this morning about faithfulness in the church, I couldn’t help thinking about how I would still love to offer “free” teaching, tutoring, grandma-ing… I’d even love to do that at the school… It is like when you get “paid” for it you are suddenly under all these other expectations, people expectations, having to follow the “rules” (which sometimes don’t seem to me to be Your “rules” or purposes at all)… I just want to be free to follow what You want me to do, not tied up into someone elses system and expectations…

I just was writing down things in my journal this afternoon, thoughts about “Christian schools”… and it seems to me that some of those things apply to “church” too… I long to be like “John” in that book “So you don’t want to go to church anymore?”… free to just listen to Your voice, go where You want me to go, be able to say “no” when people want me to do things “their way”… A lot of people say that is wrong, say that You instituted a line of authority and I need to line up! I know I am under You… and under my husband as he follows You also (do I even have the right to add those last few words?)… and under Godly leaders, elders, those who are truly following You, whom You place in my life… (it just seems like there are so many (conflicting...) people who believe themselves to be those leaders… You know…) …

I got an email from the director of that French program, saying I can take it even though I’m not teaching next year! Is that from You? I asked You earlier on, before all this other stuff happened, that if it was Your will for me to take the course, that You would provide the bursary… and then the bursary was provided but I read in the fine print that recipients have to be teaching the next year… but now the director says I don’t have to be teaching next year after all!... So does this mean that You do want me to take part in it after all???!!!?? I just thought of it that way right now… Is this You speaking to me??? … Whatever happens, dear Lord, please help me to truly be a faithful servant... like You, Jesus… thank You Father! Holy Spirit! Jesus! … dear God!)

13:33 Dear little children, I am to be with you only a little longer. You will look for Me and, as I told the Jews so I tell you now, you are not able to come where I am going. 34. I give you a new commandment, that you should love one another; just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another. 35. By this shall all [men] know that you are My disciples, if you love one another – if you keep on showing love among yourselves.

(How to show love? This is something that is really, really troubling me. All that time mom was going downhill with Altzheimers, I really didn’t feel like I was showing love to her… mostly that I was just doing my duty or whatever… and too often I really resented it, and even welcomed the times when I could go off on a holiday or conference or whatever and just not even think about it… The only times I enjoyed it were the rare occasions when mom would recognize me or say something I enjoyed, or when I would be having a good visit with other residents or staff…

So it seems to me that it really wasn’t about love for her, it was about me, about how I felt, not how mom felt… Trouble was, I couldn’t tell how she felt, so I kind of felt like I was on display, even wondered what if she was seeing how I really felt about it and was hurt by it? And then I would feel guilty and feel like I was under judgment…

And then I think about how I feel about school, and how I feel about the students… and I feel like I tell them about love, share The Shack and the He Loves Me book with them, talk about Your love… but when the crunch comes and the classroom situation isn’t so good, then do I act loving at all? Am I a hypocrite in their eyes? Is it just about I feel, again?

And what about church? I don’t feel like being involved right now. I was so involved for so long, and I got so tired, with all the things that were happening, there and in my life in general…. But I do feel kind of lonely, and wish I could visit ___ and ___ and ___ and others more often, but it just seems like life flies past… and I am still tired… and all kinds of things I don’t expect keep happening… I wish we all lived close by each other in the same community (walking distance!) so we’d see each other more often… but would we anyway?...

I wish I had more time to myself, I kind of got used to that when hubby was away at work all the time, but now I don’t feel free to just go visit my friends like I used to… And I don’t feel like the time spent together in “programmed” activities is really much of a “loving” time… although when we are focused on worshiping and loving You, there is more of that sense… and I just feel like when I do something like go visit someone like ___, that is a loving time… I’ve been thinking about volunteering in a care facility… but even there it’s like you need to go at specific times, a lot… Whatever happened to just “dropping by” and visiting, lending a hand, and such?

What about even my family? We seem so far apart. And I don’t even pray enough for them… or for anyone else… Oh, please help me to start praying again… Please… thank You..

When you told Your disciples to keep on showing love among themselves, You surely meant me, too! (And us, here, now) I wonder how you picture that happening? I don’t seem to be “picking up” on any opportunities lately… Surely there must be plenty… but I don’t seem to know where to start… and I don’t seem to have any energy for it… and my mind’s been kind of fogged… and it seems like my husband (and even my son too) have been needing a lot of extra reassurance and attention lately…

I definitely know that love isn’t just saying “I love you”… it is living it… and I don’t feel like I have been loving anyone much for a long time… I WANT to, I just seem to be in this dark black hole and I don’t have the energy to crawl out, even though I see the light way out ahead and want to be there (I think)…
Dear Jesus, I want to obey Your commandment to love. Please help me. Thank You.

…. Father, I haven’t gone to prayer meeting at church for ages… not much at all since hubby came home… and yet I was one of the folks who really wanted to get it going… and since I stopped focusing on church prayer meeting, it seems that my enthusiasm for anything to do with church has waned… or did it happen the other way round? Or what? What do You want? Your will be done. Please show me. Thanks!