December 30, 2007
So many questions tumbling through my mind, Lord…
It seems like I had just “let them go” sometime back… with relief… but suddenly they are back – and even more! The past few months I have sometimes wondered what was “coming,” as in so many ways it felt to me like maybe a “lull before the storm.” I hoped that it just meant that I had learned to rest and relax in You, Lord, to live day by day, and let You take care of things. So – either I did do that but now I’ve started to take it back, OR I did do that and You are testing me, OR I did do that, as much as I knew how, but not You are taking me into a whole new level OR maybe I didn’t really do that but just stuffed it all behind a dam and now the dam is cracking and it’s all pouring out… OR well, Who knows? Of course You know… and since You know and I don’t (though maybe I have some inklings – all of which seem to suggest it’s pretty much my fault, my feeling, my guilt – which could either mean they are true and you want me to “re-turn” OR that the enemy is laying a trip on me OR oh my! Here we go again! How do I know? Maybe it’s not about me knowing myself at all! Maybe it’s about just letting You know me, and opening myself ever more, re-turning even more, to know You (to let You reveal Yourself to me!)!!!
(Which seems likely, since these “ponderings” have suddenly taken a direction that I did not have in mind!?!?!)
Lord, if all my tumbling-out questions have disturbed ___ (who I shared them with), please guard her with Your Spirit, and please help me to say (You say through me) whatever is needed to heal… Because if these questions are disturbing me, maybe they are disturbing her even more?!? (But maybe she is more mature in You than I am… who am I to think that I’m the mature one, when I have so many questions, and I don’t take them to You right off – if at all – and so on – oh dear God, I just realized…. I am so arrogant! Is that why my honey still doesn’t fell free to pray with me and share spiritual matters? I thought I was being more “submissive” … but after reading The Shack it occurs to me that maybe I still have a lot to learn in that area too… despite my “study!” … maybe I need to learn from scratch…
It seems that I have a lot of presuppositions that make it awfully hard to truly give up “my” ways of thinking and acting.. man, I really am a “mess” …. Good thing You like messes (as long as You are given the freedom – even in little doses if we’re slow and stubborn like I am – to do Your thing in them…. Sometimes I’m like Mack and “wish” You’d just take over anyway… but Your love won’t allow that (and my love, it seems, hasn’t got that far to allow others – including You - that kind of freedom… does that make sense? Well, You know what I mean, more than I myself do! Thank You! Thank goodness!) (Please keep telling me until I really listen and respond to You, in Your ways! Thank You!)
I read Malachi this morning, all four chapters, and it seems lately that every time I read Your Word, I see something that really messes up my pre-suppositions! Things that I’ve read over and over, and yet –
a. It’s like I never read them at all before OR
b. suddenly, they connect with something else in Your Word, and down tumbles my former “beliefs” about what that verse or section meant… which starts a domino effect as it ripples out through other related things I’d “believed” or at least “accepted” … especially, it seems, related to one of two things:
i. “escatology” – which I’ve always been a bit skittish about, especially the western habit of assigning specific events or persons to every little apocalyptic word, and setting time lines and dates to things which You Yourself (Jesus) said only the Father knows! (That’s pretty cool, how You chose to limit Yourself, and to respect boundaries even though in reality You are Lord of all and for You there are no boundaries, but You do it for Your love’s sake! Wow! Which leads to:
ii. You! You are turning out to be so much more and so different than the “You” I thought I “knew” so much about. “Appearances are deceiving!” Knowing a lot about a person sure isn’t the same as knowing the person And yes, I am quick to judge… and to try to fit You into the boxes of “reality” and logic and reason – and illogic! – that I feel so smugly knowledgeable about and secure in… and which apparently are pretty much baloney! (which is kind of hard to accept)…
Seems like You are trying to take me through a “paradigm shift” … seems like maybe You’re digging out my sandy foundations (shifting, collapsing foundations… which means they are wrong! … and definitely dangerous!)… okay! But please, please, if You do that, please lift me out of the resulting pit and set me firmly on the Cornerstone – You! (I’m feeling sea-sick, slipping and sliding and rolling, losing my balance, as my seemingly safe “structures” crack and shift and crumble….
(Am I just “playing” with words and images and metaphors here? I just had the sort of flash of that thought, only it seems to come as a kind of accusation, or panicked defensive thought… either of which are not Your way, are they? The former seems like the enemy, the latter like me – or is it both, struggling to regain control as You are striking them down to take their place? (Which I do want, though it is a bit “scary” at moments… when those “panic” thoughts occur… like even wondering if I’m maybe just “going over the edge” or being “sucked into” something that is wrong – wrong in relation to what, then?!? But I don’t believe that! (Do I?) (Help me please, Lord! Daddy! Brother! Holy Spirit! Please!!! Thank You!)
Please refine me, Papa, Jesus, Holy Spirit (Sarayu)! (Mal 3:2-3)
(And yes, please bring all my children – and their families – to Yourself, totally! And please bless Auntie ___… and mom! And oh dear God, please bring all Your children to Yourself… suddenly I see much more clearly how You do not want any to perish but all to come to repentance! I can “see” it Lord… but oh, I need Your heart to take over my heart, and make it You.
(I’m embarrassed about the whole “tithe” discussion… I like giving the tithe… I even like “going to church” … like ___, I do love the people… and I enjoy the chance to listen and learn – and the “sermon” doesn’t bug me! Even if it doesn’t seem “New Testament church pattern”… of course Paul talked all night until people fell asleep! .. so who knows what exactly it was like?!?!
I think I just don’t like being obligated… I’m really okay with committed… but programs and structures seems like a problem… and honestly, I don’t know how to “make it work” without them! (Which of course is Your point… it’s not my church and so it’s not for me to make it work; it’s up to You, and Your decidedly different LOVING ways… Oh my. I sure don’t really know much about real love, do I… oh dear… please change me, Lord!)
(And about the “obligated” thing – is that because You are teaching me about Your freedom - which is a little scary to those of us who like our old patterns of [false!] security ! – or (oh dear) what if it’s just me trying to be a rebel and wanting things my way… I know I’ve done that in the past… I remember J___ saying something once about how my “ideas” were right, but I needed You to bring my heart to match, so that they would come from You and not from me… so that they would be presented in love…
Kind of scary to think that “right” can become “wrong” when it comes out of wrong motives, not out of Your love…
Please forgive me, Lord. Please help me? (Thank You…)
Now I’m tired… didn’t sleep so well last night… really bad dreams… racing thoughts… now I feel more relaxed, at peace, safe in You… Why do I so quickly ignore You… and then hesitate to run back and hang onto You? Oh please help me hold on tight!!! Know You!!!