Friday, 13 March 2009

pray before gossiping... self-righteous talk... let my words be few

August 13, 2008

The pastor spoke strong words on Sunday about gossip and about “taking up another person’s offense” and about stirring things up and not forgiving – and encouraging us instead to take everything to God in prayer, and to honor, encourage, build up one another…

August 14, 2008

Answered __’s email… wrote some stuff about church on Sunday, but then felt checked about sending it… I’m thinking it is “gossip” in a way I never realized before! Oh dear, oh my… so I made a new email and just sent that. I think I’ll just delete the other draft – seems like a “waste of time” – but I think that’s the enemy talking, because I’m sure that clear check came from God! So deleting it now! Done!

I was going to also answer ___’s email… but then realized I need to pray first!

(What’s that saying about how if we always prayed first, the world would be a different – better! – place? Especially in my case, might shut my mouth a lot more, and make me a lot wiser and kinder… and less gossipy – gossip is a lot broader than I thought, oh dear… and cruel and offensive!

(I’m so sorry… Lord! Please forgive me).

(In the email to ___ I sounded all righteous about how it was good for the pastor to say that – which it was, it was a word from God – but the fact is, I was really disturbed, guilty, mad, annoyed, ticked off! – guilty – at the time… and I couldn’t figure out why, I didn’t think that the things I’d spoken and written before were “gossip” or “offensive” … I thought I was helping out, even, about some of it – but what he said was right – and I wasn’t helping – I was “stirring things up!” So it would be wrong to send those words by email to ___, even if they were “positive” (supposedly) about what he said, really they were actually me self-justifying, trying to make myself feel better – and seem/ look more “righteous!” …

and then what if she emailed me back, and we both ended up being in one of those “offense conversations” – and it would be my fault because I started it – and yes, I was, even as I was writing it, eager to hear her response, and “talk it over” … I did not realize I am like that! I thought I had conquered my constant gossip… but it seems I have just adjusted it, put it into a “not naming names directly… but still letting them be known clearly anyway” format – which was also what was happening in the service on Sunday when people were “participating” (saying their piece…), and the pastor was totally right to STOP it: “This is not a conversation!” I was ticked! I thought it was great that people were getting a chance to “express their viewpoints openly and honestly” … but even then, I quickly recognized that, after all, there was bitterness being spat out – and while that bitterness needs to be admitted, recognized, dealt with – that was not the way…

But still I did not leave that service feeling happy…. I felt guilty, but I didn’t “get it” … I’ve felt held down all week… but I think this morning when God told me, “Don’t send those comments about the service to ___” – I think I finally realized that I am gossiping and being offensive – and not “helping,” not “reflecting” and “seeking the truth of the situation so we can find a solution”- which is how I’ve liked to think of it!

This is a major area in which I need to “change my mind” … be transformed, renewed in my mind – and spirit and heart!!! Please help me!!! (But really, You have been helping me in this area for a long time… more and more I’ve been speaking less and less because You have been “checking” me… I just didn’t “get it” what it was really about or how serious – how offensive! – my motor mouth has been!)

Does “Your will” change sometimes… no… but I think the details of how You deal with us do… like You had to get me to stop outright gossip… and now You are showing me a new level I have to deal with…

Do we get so hung up on the details that we don’t see Your principles and purposes? Can’t see the forest for the trees… Yes that is sure true…

I still need to pray!! (besides this talking to You…)

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