I have to be willing to give that up too? ... and what's with this trouble in our church? ... and "ruined for Jesus"...

January 18, 2009

Psalm 18: what a picture of God! Perhaps the inspiration for Michaelangelo's famous painting? This IS a God to be feared: total AWE - and yet kindness, gentleness - amazing - whole!!! Thank You, LORD, Great I AM!! Praise Your Holy Name!

I've been wondering (and yes, worrying... sorry!) about church buildings as priority, and God's people sharing their hearts being replaced by "church meetings"

And this morning this verse stood out when You and I were going through Your Word. (I think it is a message from You - isn't it? If it is, please give me opportunity and leading to share it with Your people - or whoever needs it.... Thank You, Lord! Here it is:

Philippians 3:7 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 More than that, I COUNT ALL THINGS TO BE LOSS in view of (because of) the SURPASSING VALUE OF KNOWING CHRIST JESUS my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish SO THAT I MAY GAIN CHRIST... 10 THAT I MAY KNOW HIM and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship (participation in) His sufferings.... 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of THE UPWARD CALL OF GOD IN CHRIST JESUS....

... later....

Dear God,

I just cried all the way home (and I even took the long walking route...). When I got to church for the prayer time, a friend was in tears because of anger she had witnessed between members of the body....

And while we were gathering to pray, I blurted out that we should still have that fireside chat before the "meeting" so the decision makers could hear the heart of the people...

But as soon as I said it, I knew right away that I had put my foot in my mouth!

(And then someone said they wished that more people would come to prayer time, and maybe we should start earlier or later... and someone else didn't think that would change anything... and I said, lightly, maybe we should offer breakfast - and someone said, "Would you make it?" - And before I even thought, I blurted out, "Yes! People could come to my house - at 7:30 am! - and I would make pancakes and waffles and French toast and bacon and eggs! And then we could pray!" ... (And I really meant it! I'd do it joyfully, if it would encourage people to come and pray...)

Then someone just started in praying... a good prayer, scriptural, heart-felt... and long...

And Lord, this might seem dumb, but to me it felt like a sermon (though I'm sure he didn't mean it that way) - aimed at me - about people wanting THEIR own way in the church.... and to me it sounded like he thought I know all about whatever is going on (well, I didn't)... but God, all I want is for Your people to KNOW JESUS!!! And then some others prayed.... But me, I just "felt" like I'd been punched out...
And then the sermon in the service was about stewardship, and it really was a good sermon, a sermon that clearly showed biblical principles, not a "guilt trip" like sermons on that topic can be...

And then I was going to stand right up and read that Word You gave me this morning, and just as I was standing up, the service was ended. (Does that mean You didn't give me that Word after all? Or maybe it wasn't for then? or not for them? or???)

And then a young husband and father ran up to the front and asked for prayer because he has to go back to his job far away from his family, and so lots of people gathered around him, and the pastor was praying that if it is Your will, that he could get a job here at home... but mostly he was thanking God for working in the young man's life, and calling the young man out... and God, the tears were just rolling down my cheeks because... well, because I remember years and years of my husband and I being apart of course.... but also because I've longed so long for us to be called...

And Lord, the sermon was hard for me, too. First, I thought, "If that's right, maybe it means that You want us to give up ALL - including our plans to move to that place where we have family and the ocean is there - maybe even give up the house down payment we've saved up..." - And oh Lord, You know I'd happily give it all up if it meant opening the way for us to "serve" You, according to Your plan .... but it seems to me like I've finally gotten to the point of being willing to give up all MY dreams, all the "vision" I thought for so long was from You, and had finally reached the point where I am willing to just... well, just do nothing, if that's what You want from me...

And then the pastor started talking about Your pouring out blessings more than we can contain, and Your great commission being fulfilled, when we give freely -
And again it seemed to me like You have asked me to give up all my hopes and dreams (and maybe, without realizing it,I have just been hoping that if that's the case, then maybe I can at least have a little cabin by the water to spend my "doing nothing" days in...).... so what? Are You asking me to give that up, too? (When I didn't even know I was holding on to the tiny little hope...)?

Because You should know by now that I AM willing (only I didn't know it was something I was holding onto, so I guess You just had to show me... right now..). Well, here it is! Take it too! ... and Your will be done!

(And Lord, I still don't know what to think - or say - about "our church" ... I know it's a spiritual battle with the forces of darkness fighting against the church of Jesus Christ... fighting against Your Light and Life! You showed me that this morning after prayer.... and I know Your people HAVE to come to the point where (notwithstanding "good stewardship") they must be willing to lose all in order to gain knowing You.

Lord, that is the message I hear from You... but it doesn't seem to be a message others are hearing (and, yes, I think it is a message for all of Your church, not just this particular "local assembly"). I heard this morning that we are facing a struggle (financially, I gather - with differing opinions on how to "resolve" it), and I agree with what the prayer leader said, that we need to pray every day until the church meeting... but Lord, Your Word says we need to KNOW YOU first. YOU ALONE must be our center, our foundation. Everything must be about YOU.... And maybe.... maybe we have to LOSE THE REST in order to gain You. Could it be?

Or (and yes, this is a large part of my tears...), am I just wrong? Am I not hearing Your voice at all? If I'm not, what then? Oh dear God, please help me.
(I was going to re-read that book this morning, and I did open it, but the only words You let me see were, "humility and brokenness," and then, "ruined by Jesus." Is that where You are taking me? Is that what I need?

(Have all "the words You've given me" just been ME after all? Or maybe they are from You, but I've wanted recognition for them? Like I've wanted to be "the prophet" or something?) ....

The pastor asked at the beginning of the sermon a question to this effect: "Do any of you sometimes want to write your words down rather than speak them, because when you write them you express them better, since you have time to think and re-read and make sure what you are saying?" Well, yes, that's me. Every time I open my MOUTH, it seems to come out all wrong. It sounds arrogant and opinionated. It's not what I mean. It's twisted....

Oh God, I need that hot coal from Your altar to purify my lips, to burn away with unquenchable fire all that is from ME. And maybe I need to heed Your admonition, "Let your words be few." And maybe I just need to be humiliated and broken... maybe You are trying to RUIN ME, so Jesus Christ ALONE will be glorified. Well, Lord, please - LET IT BE.

Thank You. Amen.
(Now what?)

Moment by moment....

(Yes, Lord. Thank You. Amen).

Isaiah 6:3 And one called out to another and said, 'Holy, Holy, Holy, is the LORD of hosts, the whole earth is full of His glory." 4. And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke. 5. Then I said, "Woe is me, for I am RUINED [There it is!] Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." 6. Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. 7. He touched my lips with it and said, "Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven (atoned for, purged)." 8. Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

(Of course, it goes on to say that the people will listen but not perceive, and look but not understand... but then the "holy seed" (v 13) came - You, Jesus! - and You have opened our eyes and ears - so oh dear God, please let us - let me - "understand with my heart and return, and be healed by You" (Mt 13:15)!
.....
(Jer 20:9 But if I say, "I will not remember Him Or speak anymore in His name," Then in my heart [Your word] becomes like a burning fire Shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in, And I cannot endure it.")