February 5, 2008
Lord, I was just reading ___’s most recent email – and I realized that she is an example of living in step with Your Spirit… like “John” in the Jake Colsen book, kind of… she just moves here and there as you lead her, and You give her beautiful opportunities to use the art gifts You have given her, and while she longs for great moves of Your Spirit and prays for them, at the same time she tries to leave things open for You for do things Your ways .. and she’s willing to live really simply… and when she is in sorrow she turns to You, but also to Your other children, Your family! and she rejoices in the relationships You send, but also is wise to be careful about them, and so she keeps her relationship with You #1. That’s how it seems to me, anyway.
Father God, Jesus, Holy Spirit! I love You! You are awesome and incredible! Thank You for loving me!
You know today is our get-together. I say get-together because it just doesn’t seem to be a “ladies Bible study” at all! It seems that You have something else in mind.
I have to be honest with You.. I seem to be having a harder time than I expected with this whole concept of just seeing where You lead, moment by moment.
I was thinking about school…. “teaching” is such a “planning” thing.. hmm… same with “ladies Bible studies” … and You know, I’ve been pretty happy and comfortable with that… that sense of control, maybe even though I’m pretty sure I didn’t consciously think of it that way.. Even doing those complicated course outlines at school, I have found satisfying and even pleasing… because I know in advance what I’m going to do – and don’t have to “rush around/ panic at the last minute” (although it is amazing how often my “plans” end up changing anyway…)
I think, too, that I have felt “safe” with my “planned teaching” … and have also felt rather smugly proud of myself for “being a good teacher” – although it sure doesn’t seem to turn out that way in the classroom a lot of the time… (which is kind of discouraging… and makes me want to just give up.. but then I just rush into making a whole new set of plans…)
It just seems to me that You are doing all You can to move me out from all this “planning” stuff… like I’ve “preached” for years, but have ultimately been unable to practice – or to accept the “outcomes” – in the long run.
You are teaching me so mucb about Your love… and freedom in You… and the basic foundational principles of Your love and Your relationships within Yourself and with Your children and all Your creation.
But it doesn’t seem like You are giving me any “formal teaching” stuff at all. Just kind of telling me to stop planning (it is even hard for me to just write those 2 words: stop planning… I feel afraid, and I feel like I’m losing control, and I feel like it just goes against everything I’ve “believed” and acted upon all my life.
Frankly, I’m also afraid of “what people will say” – like maybe ___ will have expected me to do what I did before, be a “Bible study teacher/ leader” and will be disappointed that I’m not fulfilling that. and yet – it seems to me, based on our first get-together, that maybe she’s already further along this journey with You than I am – and it feels the same way with ____ too (and here I have been “preaching” it to her all this time… but she seems to have moved along – in tune with You – far more than I have…)
Lord, it’s 8:55 am and I have to leave for school… and after lunch I have to walk across town to ___'s… and then all the way back to the school for the staff meeting – and won’t be home till 5: 00 or later… And I don’t have a plan for the time at ___’s…
And I haven’t invited any more of the old “core group” – yet oddly, I felt led (I think? Were You leading, or was it just me – no, I’m pretty sure it was You) to invite ___, and I know she has invited ___
Well, Lord, it’s Your church… and You ARE doing a pretty good job of it – an absolutely incredible, perfect, eternally right! job of it – especially in view of the mess we make that You have to sort out, oh dear – Oh yes!!! You ARE working all things out for Your glory and Your eternal purposes! Wow! Thank You! Amen!
Take this day – wholly! It is Yours, after all! Always!
Praise God! Praise Your holy Name! amen!