Feeling useless, tank empty, running on fumes: I want to be challenged!

November 3, 2007

Lord, I know this is kind of dumb and selfish, but hubby going to school – again! 2nd post-secondary – and ___ just got her Masters, and of course my sister has been to OC, Ryerson, SFU, (twice!), UBC… and I still long – after all these years – for at least a bit more education (formal…) .. even if its just a year at Capernwray, or even that 5 week summer French program, or a missions opportunity (more than 2 weeks preferably), or at least some kind of “real” ministry (maybe I’d even be happy if I could just get teaching Bible Study again… I don’t know…

I just feel kind of useless, not to mention educationally out-of-date, or at least giving all the time so my “tank” feels empty and I feel like what I’m “giving” is running on fumes… Lord, I want to have my mind – and heart – challenged to go deeper; I want “community” with other people who love to learn and explore; going to these seminars and stuff at the teachers’ conferences and such just make me hungry for more.

It’s like getting just a nibble of something totally, incredibly delicious, and then going back to eating dry bread and water almost… It gives me such a craving for more… (and then of course there’s my grandpa’s ever-elusive PhD…. And maybe just wanting some recognition… it’s still there in me, isn’t it? I’ve tried to “give it all to Jesus” but I don’t seem to get to the point of “total surrender” – well, sometimes,at the time, I think I have, but then these desires come back – at least, even if I do feel “peaceful” that You are in charge – because I do – after awhile I also feel kind of empty and that’s when those desires/ wishes/ longing start to come in again.

Maybe You are just teaching me to wait patiently… maybe You do have something special in mind for the future and those little tastes are meant as promises and to keep me open to the adventure when it comes… or maybe they are opportunities to stand against the enemy’s “tauntings” when those old desires try to rise up… or maybe it’s a chance/ opportunity to let You guide those old desires into paths You choose for me, rather than paths that I (or even my grandpa) might have chosen…

Anyway, You know my heart, Lord… so once again I give all this to You.

Titus 1:1 Paul (Norma!), a servant of God and an apostle (as one who has known Him and is a witness of Him) of Jesus Christ, TO FURTHER THE FAITH OF GOD’S ELECT AND THEIR KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH WHICH ACCORDING WITH GODLINESS, 2 IN HOPE OF ETERNAL LIFE which God… 3 manifested in his word through the preaching with which I have been entrusted by command of God our Savior (not quite so sure about the “preaching” part, Lord?)

V5 “amend what was defective”
V9 “hold firm to the sure word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also be able to confute those who contradicted it (v10-16 warnings against false teachers! And that they must be silenced!)
2:1 “teach what befits sound doctrine”
V3 “Bid the older women likewise to be reverent in behavior, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be sensible, chaste, domestic, kind, and submissive to their husbands, that the word of God may not be discredited.”
V7 “Show yourself in all respects a model of good deeds, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, 8 and sound speech that cannot be censured, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us.
V10 “.. in everything… adorn the doctrine of God our Savior

And… the “why!” (It’s not about me, which I so often want…) v11 “For the grace of God has appeared for the salvation of all men, 12 training us to renounce irreligion and worldly passions, and to live sober, upright, and godly lives in this world, 13 awaiting our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ , 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all iniquity and to purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.”

V15 “Declare these things; exhort and reprove with all authority (God’s authority!... if so be He has called me to this ministry!). Let no one disregard you.” Oh my! (Yes, sometimes I still doubt… and then “highly regarded Christians” make me wonder if it is “just me” wanting it … and long time passes too… and yet all along the way there have been awesome moments, even proofs – can it really be? - from You, Father! that this is Your will!
3:1 “ … be obedient… ready for any honest work…”
3:14 “And let our people learn to apply themselves to good deeds, so as to help cases of urgent need, and not to be unfruitful.”

Philemon 1:5 “… I hear of your love and faith… toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, 6 and I pray that the sharing of your faith may promote the knowledge of all the good that is ours in Christ… 7 the heart of the saints have been refreshed through you.”

(including ____’s word last Sunday… and the Pastor’s twice previously at Sunday prayer time…)

Thank You, Lord, for Your word to me – today! Wow! Amen! Thank You! Praise God!

Amen!!!!!!