Getting distracted: but quickly missing You and longing for Your Presence again... and thoughts on real worship

March 5, 2008

Good morning Father!

Already some very important words from You, and in a sense I haven’t even started any “formal” devotions! Just glancing through my email devotionals etc, and hearing Your voice without really expecting to or even really “trying to”… so thank You for either speaking louder than usual – or (which I think is more accurate – and more exciting – Wow! – helping me to long, to desire more to hear You and be tuned into You much more of the time than I used to be…

The thing is, there are still too many times when I really easily – too easily – get “distracted” by things of the world (daily events, entertainments, work, play, just anything) … but I much more quickly “miss” You and want to “see and hear and touch – know and sense!” You again… just like a person “in love” misses the presence of their mate so much even when they are really busy and focused on other things… I mean, I feel lonely for You! Of course, You are always right beside – inside! – me just waiting for me to notice, respond to, think of, see You – I know that – but I am finally learning the reality of that, not just the “theory” or “occasional experience.” I am really beginning to experience “walking in, living in The Presence of God.”

I used to read about, experience it from time to time, even get really excited about it – but couldn’t seem to “maintain” it… maybe because I was trying too hard to “make it happen”… like a discipline, a habit… feeling like it was something I had to do – to “conjure up” … and now You have blessed me by showing me so clearly that it is simply walking in relationship with You, being “in love” with You.. with all that comes out of that – the constant longing for and awareness of the other, the desire to be together, to know each other more and more, to please the other and fulfill their desires, to honor them

(to worship You because I am constantly experiencing the reality of You – my God! – and I just can’t believe, express how incredible You are! … and yet, at the same time, I often feel I don’t “worship” the way I “should”… I just feel so much more comfortable with being in a relationship with You, and I don’t feel this pressure (driven, obliged… even just “must” or “should”) to conform to certain “ways” of “worshiping” (maybe You took that away from me on purpose? Like the way I seem to have lost the “urge” to be involved in the “worship team” or whatever – I do still love to sing praises to You sometimes – but it no longer seems to be the center, the focus, the major time (ha! once a week for a half hour or so) to “worship” …

Like somehow one has to get really focused, get as much out of it as possible… oh! Oh my goodness! That’s a big difference, isn’t it! “Get as much out of it as possible” … that means that basically my “worship” was for me… for my feelings, gratification, my sense of “being in connection with You” or whatever (though sometimes I really did feel in love with You, awestruck by Your glory, etc… thank You for those moments, even many of them! Yes! … but it does seem significant that those words above should just pop out of my pen without me even really “thinking about it” ….

(Well, now that I see that, maybe I’ll feel more “free” to join in with my brothers and sisters when they approach You, meet You, reach out to You – yes, worship you! – in that way… now that I understand (see) that motivation more clearly – and maybe I really did sense it before, and maybe that’s why (partly, anyway) I’ve felt like I’m “holding back” and “been disconnected” in some degree… even including playing my guitar and keyboard…

Anyway…. thank You that You are with me all the time… and for helping me be way more aware of Your presence… and hungry for a far more constant interaction with You (I wonder, is this change in my relationship with You a cause of the change in my relationship with my husband? Or is it even in some ways like a circle, a spiral, ever growing… the one relationship being like a physical “mirror” of the growth of the other? (Well, You know what I mean… seems like the more I get to know – and love – You, the more I love my husband and see the great things in him and want to be with him, and enjoy him, and want to please him, and find myself stopping “my self” when “I” would “naturally” argue and want things my way, and being more sensitive and open to his desires and plans and ideas (purposes? On some small scale… something like Your purposes for me, for us?!!!!) …

And oh! The joy, peace, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, patience…!!!... (fruit of the Spirit!) that is coming out of the increasing love that we share! … and how much more 1 Corinthians 13 there has been too! Oh my! You are creating a beautiful marriage relationship between my honey and me! at the same time You are teaching both of us to relate to You!!

(“Too bad it’s such a slow process” I was thinking… but that is the way You work… anything of great value takes work, effort if it’s going to be deep, through-and-through, not just surface-pretty – solid gold, pure, rather than just gold-plated and full of impurities, ready to crack, to peel/ rub off at any smallest bump along the way… Thank You! Your ways are best!)