Holding loosely

April 23, 2007

Dear Heavenly Father, “Step out in faith to whatever God has been calling you” is what Pastor ___ preached yesterday. Honestly, I don’t know to what You have been calling me, although I have a sense of “expectancy,” of perhaps the tide turning and my ship (or is that my little fishing boat?) poised to set sail! (That picture/ metaphor just came to my mind as I wrote! Thank You!)

I think You did place me as a teacher in this Christian School despite my “anti-school” inclinations, and for me, at least, it has been a “learning experience” in many ways, many of them very positive (and even the negative ones have led me to find/ seek positive alternatives – through You! which is for me a pretty new route for finding alternatives!

But at the same time, I don’t feel any kind of strong rootedness or connection to the school. I see other teachers for whom it is “my school” and they’ve been there for years and it’s so much an integral part of their lives, at least it seems to be (or more like “seemed” to be… there have been some big changes the past couple years and they seem to have their grip/ connection loosening). Just like I don’t have any kind of strong rootedness or connection to our community itself or even to Abundant Life. I love my little house, I love people at church and even at school, I love my neighborhood… but I never have come to the point of holding them tightly.

As ___ put it, I’m “holding loosely.” Maybe I’ve never been a person to hold things or people or places tightly – but I know I have clutched onto ideas (and dreams)… but even there, I’ve lost – given up? – that tight hold. Maybe that’s why I feel a bit at loose ends – but in exchange I have been coming more and more to hold tightly to You, which I knew was “possible” from observing other people in the past, but wondered how it could be… and yet gradually, You have made it happen… by first, I suppose (okay, I know!) loosing my grip on my dreams and ideas… which, yes, I see, were often serving as idols in my life… even as I thought they were from You.

(Is it possible that a thing, idea, dream, person, place, whatever, can come from you, and then we can pervert it into an idol, taking our eyes off You, the giver, and focusing instead on it, the gift? Of course! Oh dear Lord, please keep me vigilant! I have sensed the past few days and weeks especially a drifting from focus on You, and a sense of “unfocusedness.” Well, before when I felt that way, I could just throw myself with great “glee of learning” into some new (or revived) interest like learning alternatives, or gardening, or home school, or philosophy of this or that, or drawing, or guitar, or church music, or learning French (okay, well, I think that last thing has come more from You, because it was wrapped up in the teaching position which really seemed to come as a surprise??)… but now, those “things” just don’t hold the potential appeal they used to…

All I really want to “learn” anymore is to know You more and more… to grow, as Jesus did, in “wisdom… and favor with God…” (the “with men” part just being an out-growth of living a truly Godly life… and it sure didn’t bring much favor from those in power!). (And You didn’t allow it, ever, to overtake the “favor with God” part… which is what I am so prone to do, that I don’t even want to write the last 2 words of that verse in regards to me!). Hmmm!