Thursday, 12 March 2009

tears of cleansing, from You

February 26, 2007

Dear Heavenly Father,

Yesterday at church I went forward -- just between You and me. It was good the pastor did not see, because then maybe it would have been about "me"... it is so easy and tempting to make things -- everything -- about "me"! But Father God, You know my heart, You know how I long to walk close after You. You know that I went up yesterday because it was Your call for me, it was what I have been seeking for but not finding, somehow, for so long. It's like that book, "They Found the Secret." I've known it in my head, but I couldn't seem to get a hold of You. Oh dear God, I want to get a hold of You, have You get a hold of me... and never, ever let go. Ever.

Lord, it is true that I wept. I didn't "feel" so much of anything, but the tears came just the same -- if anything, tears that came from You, that did not come from me (from a desire to be noticed and approved and perceived/seen as somehow "holier than thou" -- oh, Lord, this is a desire of "me" that I struggle with, that seeks to overcome me all the time, that my flesh would use to drag me down and take my spirit away from attending to and loving You). Lord, I have always been looking for an "experience" but that is not Your way for me. The only experience You want me to have is knowing You. Those tears were Your tears, tears of mercy and grace and peace and comfort. (Thank You).

Thank You for cleansing me.

Lord, I walked home alone, and I almost wondered... if it was You, if it was Your time for me -- finally -- to step forth, to be counted 100% for You... (Even right now there is this little seed of fear... what if it isn't? again?) (But it is! Already I see, I know a difference in my experience with You... that lines up with Your Word, Your promises, Your covenants that never fail!) Oh Lord, cleanse me from this root of fear -- I did not see it for what it is! Thank you for revealing it to me. Oh cleanse me, Lord, and make me stand firm against this terrible device of the devil -- please, I pray, in Jesus' name! Oh Holy Spirit, please do Your work, I pray! Thank You, Lord. I accept and believe.

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