October 15, 2007
Yesterday in church was the presentation by “Bev,” who has come back from Israel after 5 years volunteering with Bridges for Peace. And I began to feel so drawn (again) into missionary type ministry (maybe Israel, maybe somewhere else), but I didn’t even want to think about it, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up about it. I told my husband just to take one little pamphlet, but not other stuff, from the table, because I really didn’t want to think of it at all. And I was choking back tears.. partly because my back was hurting, but a lot because it hurt to think about missions and maybe never being able to go out like that.
Hubby brought along a magazine – and even bought some hand lotion made with Dead Sea salt etc – and when we got home I didn’t even want to touch them, but just went to sleep. Then later, I did read them after all. And I asked hubby if he had any interest in that kind of ministry, and again he said, “None at all.” And I remembered that I gave this issue to You before, and here I am giving it to You now, yet again…
I was thinking of talking to the pastor, asking if it must just be “ME” wanting this, and not really coming from You, since it seems like You have not placed any call on my husband's heart… and I also keep thinking of that missionary to India last spring who asked me if my husband was interested, and when I wasn’t sure (just wishing) he very bluntly told me to forget it (including forgetting any “call” like the 3 times people told us about South America, etc).
But now I also remember that I finally gave up trying to “bring hubby home from working in logging camp”… and gave it up to You, willing to finally accept it forever if that was what You want.. and now it looks like here he is… (and I’m not quite so thrilled.. or maybe it’s being scared to actually believe it and get used to it in case he changes his mind, or in case the Care Aide course doesn’t go through after all… since his application is now submitted and waiting…)
So I guess I need to just totally give to You all these dreams of “ministry/ missions/ pastorate/ church plant/ “my vision”/ whatever (because really I am open in details.. I think…. Certainly more than before… I just want to really serve You… though I just now see that maybe teaching at a Christian school is doing that… oh dear… I’ve just seen it as a temporary path along the way – maybe even a side trip – and been antagonistic to some degree to the whole “Christian school” concept… Oh Lord, You have softened my heart and given me more enthusiasm… Yes, Lord! Your will be done! in regards to the Christian School, in regards to today (and whatever “future” You grant here on earth!
Please help me to live simply: to live for You today and not be anxious about the future, and in all things “Seek first Your Kingdom and Your righteousness… and know that You will supply all my other needs.” Thank You for “The Simple Life” book I have just finished reading…. And thank You that I can just live day by day in growing honor and obedience and love with You… and let You work out all the details, as I bring You my “daily bread” needs and leave all days that are not “today” in Your loving perfect hands and plans and purposes!
Thank You, Lord! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen! (and please pour Your Holy spirit upon me today! Thank You! Cleanse me, please! Amen!)