school concerns... and tired of conflict... am I trying to escape life's realities?

May 17, 2007

Lord, You know that “Christian schools” concern me, as they in so many respects are modeled/ structured on the world’s ways, as are so many “churches.” But just getting loud and strident and harsh about the situation is not going to help; in fact, I’m probably hindering. Oh dear God, please help me to rest in You, and take my concerns to You in prayer, and leave them there for Your plans and purposes… and please help me to be totally open to Your will and ways, even as I so often criticize others for being close-minded and hung up in traditions and worldly structures! Please forgive me for my harsh, critical spirit, dear Lord. Please truly bring Your people – Your family and children – our Father, into the unity and caring and love that You purpose and plan and are working out. Help me to observe the works You are doing, and be wide-armed and willing to do whatever little (or big!) thing You bring along for me to do and be a part of! Please keep me humble, dear Jesus, in Your precious name!

June 3, 2007

I’ve been just “tired” for a long time of anything that kind of smacks of potential conflict at any level. I just feel like I’m too tired for any more of that – that I just want to kind of crouch down, move along slowly, keep out of the path of the missiles flying over head…

I don’t even want to “do” anything anymore if it sounds like it takes too much energy or long term involvement.

I think this started out by “putting my whole life into the hands of God” and just “living moment by moment,” taking each little thing as it comes, and trying not to “react” (I’ve always been too “react-“ionary!) but just to “trust God” to take care of it.

But deep down I’ve had this nagging doubt, or question, about whether I’ve maybe gone too far or something. Maybe not. I don’t know. It just seems too easy, or maybe like I’m just trying to avoid/ escape “life’s realities.” Maybe not, though. Maybe that’s just the enemy trying to draw me back into my old “responsibility” and “self-sufficiency.”

This probably isn’t a great time to think about this because I am so physically – and mentally – tired due to this sickness.

And I’m spiritually depleted, too… not reading the Word enough, not praying nearly enough, “passing time” by watching stupid TV, that sort of thing…

Father, I have missed You. I need You. I need Your Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus, in my life – all the time, including when I am “sick.” I’ve only been sick 2 ½ weeks and I feel like I’ve just “fallen apart” spiritually – and yet there are so many people who are chronically sick, and they seem to carry on… of course I don’t know that for sure… people probably think I’m “carrying on” too, like Pastor ___ calling me a prayer warrior when I have trouble praying, even the tiniest amount.

Time to read Your Word, Lord. Please be with me today. Please cleanse me, please empty me of all the clutter in My body, mind, and especially, in my spirit. Please totally cleanse me, clear out all the garbage, and bring my eyes back fully onto Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Oh dear Jesus, please, by Your Holy Spirit, bring me into the will of Your Father… and oh, please make me like You!

(And please complete the healing of my body… soon!)

(And please bring us together in real, sustained, believing, trusting prayer!)