praises and joy and emotion.... and still "going to church" because You've kept me there for Your reasons... just walking with You

Nov 9/07

Lord, Pastor ___ keeps reminding us that You, the Lord, inhabit the praises of Your people. I thought of that as I opened to the Psalms. I remember all the “Praise the Lord”s back in Pentecostal days and at various other times… and Lord, it “felt so good!” It “felt” like You were so close – and it’s true, I haven’t had much of that kind of “feeling” for quite a long while… I think the last “period” of it was at the services at ___High… and that was really almost totally just between You and me, in the days when I would go early to sit in Your Presence and pray (pretty much alone, just You and me) (though other people were there visiting, setting up, practicing, etc).

Lately, Lord, I’ve certainly had wonderful “moments of joy” and indeed, time “in Your Presence” – even now I KNOW You are here… but just not such a big “emotional” thing. I long for more righteousness… deeper relationship with You, greater holiness… not just for me, but for others too, especially those I know and love and/or care about (is there a difference?). Is that coming from You? Oh, I hope so. I’m so tired of what comes from me and out of me. It seems to me these days that every time I do or say or even think something, right away I see so strongly what is wrong in it… I am tired… tired of my self and it’s never-ending SIN!

November 12, 2007

I AM there at church, and there ARE good things happening!

You know, Lord, a year ago I was right ready to leave if only someone would start a home group or something (led by You!) – or if You gave me any other kind of direction to leave. But You haven’t. For Your own reasons You have kept me there, and You’ve given me peace about it – even though, I suppose, many things about it haven’t changed (or have they?

It sure seems a lot better to me than it used to! You did send the new pastor – and there isn’t the huge amount of complaining and gossip there used to be – (at least I’m no longer hearing it – though I do sometimes hear “of” it – so maybe You’ve been changing my heart and attitudes, and maybe it had to do with some of the more unhappy people leaving; maybe even having hubby home and being busy with school has kept me preoccupied – just like it’s kept me from writing the past few months [though boy is that changing!] –

Or maybe You are doing an amazing work in our midst and we are all changing into the likeness of Jesus, growing in grace and knowledge and relationship with You, coming into a new level of maturity and willingness to do whatever You ask, go wherever You ask, listen and obey with joy! and trust – that You are doing and fulfilling Your plans and purposes for us, Your people at this time and place. And perhaps You simply have other plans, jobs, purposes, places for those who have moved out – and on? I pray for them that they are listening to Your voice and will!!

It just surprises me that I don’t have feelings of anger, frustration, etc anymore against the church generally, or especially against certain people. You have (without me even realizing it) wiped that away.

It reminds me, Lord, of when I so did not want to go back to ___ after Bible School… and then Your Spirit just broke through and gave me utter peace and confidence even though in a sense “nothing had changed” and we faced many of the same old “___ issues” etc – but in the midst of it all was a place of calm and peace and rest and even joy – great joy – with You – so that I could truly sing with all my being – “It is well, it is well with my soul!”

Unlike that time I haven’t had a huge “aha!” moment … instead, it just seems to have almost “snuck up” on me. And yesterday (in the “bad” moment) I realized that I am (church-wise – and oh, I hope and pray, otherwise, too) where You want me to be right now. It doesn’t seem to have anything at all to do with “how the church is going,” or who has left, or who has stayed….

There are still things that disturb me, like the whole “programs for different ages” thing, and the WM meetings that seem to be mostly about touchy-feeling, feel-good, “girls night out” stuff… but always that just goes back to my longing for deep fellowship, deep study, deep searching for greater and deeper relationship and obedience and righteousness and holiness (sanctification) before You and with You, individually and corporately (as the body of Christ, the family of God)! but they don’t disturb me like they used to, making “me” want to change them or to get away from them. It’s just that I long for that which brings joy and glory to You!

This is where You have placed me – and so this is where I want and need to be, staying with You, in step with You, obedient to You, trusting and resting in You – Today. Whatever You want – Today.

I do thank You for what You have done and are doing. I see reconciliation and repentance and forgiveness. I see people really and truly reaching out to You.

It’s funny – I was the one who was so encouraging people to step out, to move away from Abundant Life if that was how God was calling them. I was so unhappy about so many things. I passed out so many copies of the “Jake book.” I wanted to move ahead – and I though the “Jake book” was maybe the way to do it – just like before that I thought maybe house-church networks, and before that, cell churches, was the “way” to do it. But maybe – I just realized it – all along You’ve been gently but firmly calling me out to walk with You faithfully and patiently and obediently – no matter what place or situation You have allowed me to be in! Wow! Thank You! Ha! It just took pages and pages of writing to let You speak it to my mind and heart! Awesome! Thank You! Thank You! Amen

November 16, 2007

(After reading Joel 5 to 6): Oh dear God, please open our eyes and hearts – my eyes and heart – to see and act against the evil in our land and especially in our churches where we have catered to the culture and wandered from truly knowing and following You with all our hearts and souls and strength! Oh dear God, please help us – me! – repent and turn back to You 100%! Every day, over and over, You keep showing me my weakness, my faults, my sins – things that I have never seen before – oh dear God, please forgive me, and wash and cleanse me, and change me – please fill me with Your Spirit and make me like Jesus! Thank You, Lord! O please do it – no matter how much it hurts! Pain is good when it turns me to You and makes me be like You! Let justice roll and righteousness flow and grow! Amen!