Wondering about "tongues"... and being "filled with Your Spirit".... oh, I just want to KNOW YOU!

Dear Heavenly Father,

It seems like such a long time since I’ve really spent any quality time with You. Thank You for Sabbath rests when I’m forced to turn away from the world’s wildness.

Lord, last night at the 180/Oasis Saturday night youth service at Abundant Life was such a blessing. Your Spirit was so strongly evident. My friend P (and R’s friend J) came – and P was so happy and blessed! And this morning’s service was such a blessing again. Lord, every time they take in new members, and have them sign those hockey sticks, how I wish it were me. I get all teary-eyed. How I would love to be a “member” somewhere – really feel like I belong – and be able to be “sent out.” Lord??? Oh dear Jesus…

Thank You for the hymns this morning at the Anglican – all my favorites (even if the hymn book people are paranoid about You being our “Father” and change all the male references!). Thank You for being such a loving Father to me that I am learning to be able to forgive and love my earthly father too (and admit that a lot of the problems come from me, too! Or maybe even me mostly!). Praise God!

Lord, last night at the Pentecostal, pastor K talked a lot about the evidences/ giftings of the Holy Spirit, especially the spoken gifts, and particularly speaking in tongues – and how Pentecostals today are not encouraging/ exercising/ requesting those gifts. Oh Lord, usually I really like and learn from his sermons, but Lord, last night I got impatient and even feeling sarcastic about it, and complaining. I don’t know, Lord. All these years, when Pentecostal people get going like this – as if tongues is the only sure way to know one is filled with Your Spirit and maybe even the only way to access Your power – Lord, I really feel… I don’t know – worried, held back, cautious… sometimes even repelled… by that very strong and narrow emphasis.

Lord, I myself have been thrilled and delighted with the way Your have poured out the Holy Spirit upon my life, and given me the ability to pray in tongues (especially when I don’t know how to pray with my mind and reason, or am in a position of great spiritual battle or need) and even sing in tongues – that is, the “prayer language” You have given me. But I don’t know – I have no clear proof – that I “speak in tongues” as a message to be interpreted or in an actual foreign language. Scripture seems quite clear that God give each different gift “to some.” I wouldn’t mind at all (I don’t think??) having that gift, and I have (in the past) longed for the gift of healing… but I think it has been withheld from me because there is (at this point anyway) too much danger of it becoming a pride issue for me. Lord, please help me to understand Your truth about this whole issue. Thank You.

(And Lord, I see – not just feel – Your Spirit working so strongly among people/churches that don’t have that emphasis… (I mean tongues, etc…) ... churches with personal and church growth, emphasis on knowing You and growing in You, the fruits of the Spirit, the leading of the Spirit, the incredible “meat and potatoes” teaching of Your Word…

Am I filled with Your Spirit? Lord, doesn’t it mean I have to “keep on being filled” beyond the “day I was filled”???? Oh Lord, keep me repentant, submissive to You, longing for and seeking to know You more and more, to encounter You every day, every moment… and yes, to “keep on being filled and filled and filled and overflowing!!! Oh Lord, don’t let me “turn off the tap” by my own actions and choices and the humdrum busyness of life. Oh dear God, help me to prioritize, as P said in her letter.

And Lord, help me to find time – quiet, uninterrupted, personal time with You. Lord, I just feel these days like so much of my time is just wasted… I am even feeling like that about my tutoring. I just long and long to spend time with You… uninterrupted time!

Oh, dear Lord, I want to know You, I want to study Your Word… in-depth!!! I don’t mind lots of studying by myself (with, of course, You)… but I also wish (maybe a wrong wish?) for someone to talk it out with, bounce ideas off, ask questions… someone with whom I can share my heart. Oh dear God, please help me. Please lead me and guide me into Your Will!!!

Lord, I have so much to do today… and I so want more time with You… Please, please help me dear Lord Jesus!