Spiritually struggling church-wise... and yet fun with You in the garden!

July 1 2002

Oh Father, I don’t know what to do about our family, spiritually. Nobody went to church yesterday. I did get up and get dressed, and Saturday night I told the kids how much it would mean to me if they came to church with me. ___ got up an hour before time to go but said there wasn’t time. Nobody else even wanted to go and all… I got in the car and drove by one church, but couldn’t bring myself to stop and go in. I was just so tired and upset that I went home and just went to bed and slept for awhile (which all the kids said to do).

I didn’t even read my Bible the past 2 days. I spent much of the afternoon pulling weeds in the garden, and gathered strawberries, Swiss chard, and red currants (PTL! You are, as usual, providing for our needs in a mighty way! Which doesn’t seem like a restful Sunday afternoon activity perhaps, but it was actually very calming, and the day was lovely and just the right coolness! There IS something about working in the dirt. You did make us gardeners for a reasons, didn’t You, Lord Jesus??

Lord, I have been wondering “bad” things (I suppose) like how we could explain giving $8000 to tithe last year, but not having money to help my daughter with her schooling. And wondering why I don’t feel at home anywhere church-wise, so much that I’ve hardly gone to church for ages, it seems, and there is all that tithe money piling up, and I was even wondering about using part of it (since it is more than 10% considerably) for ___’s course. (Oh, I didn’t get that dining room table at IKEA because it wouldn’t fit in the car, but we’ve been eating together at the little table a lot and I’ve been trying to remember to say grace, and I have been making a point of trying to talk more about spiritual things with all the kids, whenever I remember and can find a way to fit it in, and sometimes just going for it even if it doesn’t fit in…

Oh dear God, help me to truly forgive the ___’s and the whole Pentecostal Church situation. Help me to just let it go, Lord, and to love them with Your love. Even to swallow my pride and go back there, if that is where You want me.