Nov 5 2001
I dream… I dream the dream I believe has come from You. I dream that one day, in Your time, place, purpose, I will be a mighty preacher for You. Not just a teacher, Lord, or a Sunday School preacher, but a preacher to crowds and crowds of people who need to know You, to love You, to accept and grow in You! That You will reach people through me! Oh God! As soon as I dare to dream this dream (which I am so certain has come from You), all these voices pop up in my head telling me why it cannot be:
- I’m a woman and so I can’t preach to men (I Tim 2:11-12)
- I’m a divorced woman so I am double bad and evil (the unpardonable sin it would seem, according to some) and can’t be in a leadership position (even though God has forgiven me and called me and is preparing me… it just doesn’t make sense that He’d do all that if that – the divorce rule – is really His will…) Oh God…
- my first responsibility is my family… and if I can't keep them under control, then how can I be a preacher? (I Tim 3:5)
- I have struggled (and continue to do so) with an awful lot of pride issues (I Tim 3: 6)
- my husband must be a deacon or overseer first, apparently, and I stand beside him as a deaconess (I Tim 3) … and so far there isn’t much sign of that happening … but ha! satan! I know God is working in my husband’s life – and nothing is impossible for God!
So there are lots of impossibilities Lord – many of them apparently from Your own Word!!! And You know I want to truly follow Your Word because it is from You and You never change and You are perfect! But Lord, please show me, through Your Holy Spirit, exactly what You mean, because us humans are so good at twisting Your word to make it suit our own fancies – and the issue of women preachers is one of the most twisted!
I dream…. Of being involved in an intentional Christian community where we can live and heal and rest and meet God together… “we” being whoever God sends our way… and maybe “camp” ministries… and of a place of Christian outreach for teens in our community (and our former community too)… and of a place of Christian outreach to women… and of a place of Christian outreach for teen pregnancies and teen parents… Oh Lord, You know all about those dreams.
I dream of writing… and drawing… and making music with guitar, piano, voice… to the glory of God!
I dream of a nice warm house with enough space for all my family (even space – separate or attached - for my little grandson’s family, and God in their midst!) and space and suitability to reach out in ministries of hospitality and sharing and caring… in the name of Jesus! (and of a special, warm, comfy, private space – with good lighting and lots of library shelves and study space… for me to meet daily with my Lord in study and prayer…)
I dream of meeting regularly with others – in my own home, Lord! – and anywhere else You lead! – for intensive prayer and intercession and praise and worship and song – and dance! before You, Lord!
I dream of transformed lives and transformed communities – in our community here and our former community – and to the ends of the earth!!! Praise God!
I dream of no longer being tired all the time… but lifted by my Lord on wings as eagles – to run and not be weary, walk and not faint – to soar with You, Lord!! Praise God!
Oh God, I want to know You more. I want to love You more. I want to walk with You always, eternally… no turning back!!!