October 16, 2004
Maybe my husband telling me I’m doing too much at church is not just him wanting attention, as I have been thinking, but maybe it is wisdom from You. I am beginning to see that he has a relationship to You that I didn’t know existed. It’s a bit hard to take, or even accept, because I feel awfully left out, and that hurts. Lord, it hurts like rejection… I guess it’s a thing I always wanted to share, but it’s not so easy for him. Anyway, You are teaching me to leave it all in Your hands, and I do, do, do thank You for that.
October 25, 2004
Yesterday’s sermon was so for me. It was so kind of You to give me an opportunity to kneel before You, and just cry my eyes out, let my frustrations go, and finally come to the realization that You are using me according to Your plan and purpose, not what I think it should be. Because unfortunately, I just realized, what I think I should be doing is really all about “me” while what You have planned for me requires that I sacrifice the “me” plans so that You can use me to fulfill Your plans for all mankind (including my husband with whom I have been angry because I felt he was standing in the way of "me" serving You…). Just to think, if I let go of “me” then You can use me to partake in the work for the eternal salvation of all who are called, instead of just me doing something good that might bring me recognition. Wow! That is such a great privilege, to be part of a work of that kind of cosmic scope. Thank You, Lord.
October 25, 2004
I have been struggling since my husband “cut me off” from doing church activities, because suddenly I didn’t know what to do with myself, where to start, what to do next. But it is good because now I can slow down, listen to You, find out what Your priorities are. Isn’t it something! Even reading I Heard The Owl Call My Name yesterday, helped me want to slow down, to listen, to think what is really important, to really want to see and know and understand people, and love and serve them on a deeper level than just “practical” help.
I see that I have been filling my life with activities of little importance. I knew it all along in the sense that I constantly feel scattered, disorganized, frustrated, even lost. I resent that people are constantly asking, even demanding, things of me. I do have to learn to say “no.” As ___ said, I am a “giving” kind of person (yes, my primary love language is acts of service ) so when I keep saying, “yes, yes, yes,” after awhile people stop appreciating it and start expecting it, and expecting more and more, taking me for granted and burning me out. And if I dare to say “no” they are angry and offended.
I do need to pay more attention to my husband. Because he has been away so much, it has become easy to squeeze him out, so that I can squeeze other stuff in. Oh, I can give him a bit of extra attention for a couple weeks now and then without too much resentment, but for these past six weeks while he has been “needy” due to continual pain and inability to entertain himself in other ways… Lord, I really wasn’t prepared for that!
Lord, I have resented that the things that he wants to do are things I’m not interested in; and that the things I am interested in, like Bible reading and prayer and family worship, or even things we used to have fun doing together, like walking in the rain, or visiting people and having people over to visit, or playing table games, or even going hunting together, he doesn’t want to do. Lord, I feel like we don’t even know each other any more. It’s awfully hard to feel relational when I don’t feel hardly any unity of purpose or interest between us.
But I see that it isn’t my job to fix, except as I can change my own attitudes and reactions, and be obedient to Your word by respecting my husband, being obedient and submissive to him, and praying for him and letting You do Your work unhindered by my interference, rotten attitudes, crabbing, and complaining.
So help me, Lord, to be the wife You will for me according to Your will and purpose as shown in Your Word, and as You direct me as I listen to Your Holy Spirit and grow into closer relationship with You. I see that my anger toward my husband, the hurts I refuse to let go, hurt not only my relationship with him and with You, but relationships with my children and extended family (my side and his) and with church family and friends, and with everyone we are connected with, as a couple before You, dear God.
So I sense that I’ve written enough about that. It’s out in the open, in black and white now. I see it and I acknowledge it. And I here and now ask You to forgive me, and help me to change before You, before my husband, and thus before my children, relatives, friends, the church, and the world (who are watching to see any evidence of Christ in me!).
I give my husband to You, dear God. And I give me to You, too. I hereby vow to do my best, with the help of Your Spirit and Your Word (and Your body, too, Lord) to take my eyes of “me” and put them on Jesus. Thank You, Lord!