May 4, 2006
Dear Heavenly Father,
Again I have been reading my journals and typing out things I have learned from You, and questions I have asked.
One thing has kept puzzling me, and that is that all along the way I kept thinking You were telling me to do this or that, or leading me in a particular direction, or into a specific ministry or job or whatever. And I would get all pumped up about it and make big plans and preparations and "step out"... and then it would just dead-end. I don't doubt that You taught me valuable things along the way - knowledge of You, skills, character building, integrity, Your Word, relationship with You and others - but it has so often puzzled me as to why after all my effort and excitement - yes, even passion - and certainty that I was in Your will and purpose and plan, that the direction "You" were taking me fizzled!
Well! I think the purpose and will remained, but the "details of the plan" went belly-up. So I wondered, did I really hear from You? Or was it me all the time? Or what?
Then this morning I believe I heard from You, from Your Spirit to my spirit, about these questions I have had.
I think the key thing is the will and purposes of God - and as I've already said, I see those being fulfilled anyway. Further, I think You have been teaching me to trust You without physically seeing the results of the plan, despite being disappointed when events conspired against my "hopes and plans" - trusting in Your wisdom and will and purpose no matter what happens! And of course, I have learned so much, and I know I have drawn closer in relationship to You, as well as gaining new wisdom and skills which You can use for even bigger, "God-sized" purposes down the line.
And that's another thing! Pretty much every time I get excited about a job possibility or a "ministry" of some kind, or an educational opportunity, or whatever, I see that I have had the reaction, "Wow! Yes! I can do that!" And maybe You want me to get past that "in the box" level of thinking, and be willing to do whatever You want to use me for, things that are totally outside the "Norma-sized box", things that are truly God-sized, things that are truly outside my capability or possibility. I think You want me to learn, and walk in, the truth that "all things are possible with God," and that truly I must let You be in the pilot's seat.
I think I have seen You as the "navigator," giving me a sense of direction, but I have still wanted, ultimately, to be the pilot, my hands on the steering-wheel, doing the actual, practical, hands-on driving. It isn't even necessarily that I want to be "in control" but maybe that I have just assumed that since I'm the "physical" one around here, and You the "spiritual" (disembodied!) One, I ultimately have to do the actual physical work! Of course, no doubt there still exists a certain amount of desire for control, and a certain amount of pride in my abilities - and I'm sure there are also other things You've been working on cutting out of me, by cutting me off from "my plans!"