November 9, 2003
Am I just imagining, or selfishly wishing, that God wants to use my home as an outreach into the community? Is my family too dysfunctional? Is it bad of me to want to be hospitable when my hubby doesn't really want people coming over during the short times he is home? Is it bad of me to be lonely for adult companionship when I have a husband who loves me but is hardly ever here? Did our cell group leader really want to switch homes because mine is too small, or does he think it is not good to be in a place where some of the family is not "on board" spiritually?
Why did ____ invite me to the leadership group? Do I really have any leadership material in me? How can I, when I feel like such a failure at everything: parenting, my job, leading worship at the cell group I attended in our last town, being a wife, and on and on...? Is it bad of me to take on any kind of even quasi-leadership role when my family isn't spiritually "together"?
Is "administration" really my gift? It seems like such a guy thing. I used to think I was good at teaching, but if I was, why do I feel so hopeless now? Somebody I respect once told me that they believed I had a gifting in the area of hospitality - and I love doing that sort of thing - but my husband has never really been on-board about it so I've never had much of a chance. Is it my fault for not following the Lord when I met my husband, and for being divorced, or even for getting pregnant and having an abortion and getting married out of guilt that first time back when I was a teenager?
Does God really want me to have this job? Are people right who say a woman's place is in the home? Maybe I could do more for the Lord if I wasn't working. But I thought this job was God's provision. Now I'm not sure about that either.
Am I really cut out for organizing the Children's church volunteers? I feel like I'm invading people's spaces, always phoning and pushing them to participate. And I don't handle it well when the admin team keeps changing my "job description", and I'm not told, and then people get mad at me when I didn't even know changes were being made. I get too sensitive and get hurt too easily, and my whole family gets on my back to get out of this position.
Running the "cafe" at the Saturday night "One-Eighty" youth service is something I feel I can handle, and I enjoy it.
But I don't feel competent about this Children's church position, and I'm wondering if I'm way off-base in wanting to be a host home for a cell group. I guess I was dreaming of a small core group that would reach out into the community and be a light. But the cell group leader sees it as a chance for people already in the church to bond and connect, and then evangelism can come into it later.
Well, there is wisdom in that, but starting with more than 25 people who already know each other well, with me being the new person....? ___ wants me to play guitar but I don't even know if I should after what happened before. Lots of people in the church have told me repeatedly that I should be on the church worship team because God has gifted me with a singing voice, and when I have led worship in the past, people have so often ended in tears and prayer before God. But at that other group the leader usually just let me lead one or two songs (occasionally more) because there "wasn't time." And then abruptly, without telling me, he changed to using videos (when I had come prepared, as usual, to lead), because ____ had "said we have a problem with worship at our life group." Maybe I was wrong to be shocked and hurt. Maybe that is just not what God wants me doing.
The thing is, I don't know what God wants. But I do want to serve Him.
I love meeting with God every morning for prayer and worship and Bible study (though it can be a problem when my hubby is home and wants my attention then. Does "respect for your husband" include toning your relationship with God way down when hubby is around?). I learn so much from the Lord. But I have no one to share it with, at least not my husband, and since my kids have gotten older they don't want to talk about the Lord much, though I think it was good when they were little.
God has given me such a vision. But right now it all seems impossible. And I feel like I want to curl up in a little ball and hide. I wanted to go to the leadership meetings as ___ invited me to do, but I'm not in leadership so I really don't deserve or need to go, do I?
I feel like I am a total screw-up. Like I'm no good at anything Doesn't God want to use me? (Well, maybe at One-Eighty to serve food).
I used to think I had some abilities. I've done lots of things and I thought I did them pretty well. But maybe I was wrong.
I wonder if other people feel the way I do?
What have I done in the past? What does it say about me? Funny. I can analyze other people's abilities and giftings, but I just get more and more confused and lost when it comes to me.
There's my dream or vision of speaking at women's gatherings, and teaching women from the Word (I've done this before and I know God has used it!). And being involved in practical outreach to hurting women, and to teens in trouble, especially girls, but maybe boys, too. Well, I've sure had experience at home, and some from my high school teaching days, too. And I dream of having a cell group ... a LIFE group ... in my home where people aren't just having their happy, comfortable little Christianly gathering, but are embracing hurting, needy people, and bringing them into relationship with God through not only His Word, but in practical helping ways, too.
I don't see why my house is "too small". Where I have lived before, this would be a very nice roomy house. The people here don't know anything about how native people have house meetings and wakes that go on for days at a time in tiny, beat-up old houses, and 50 or 60 people squeeze into a living room and kitchen and up and down the hallways, and they just worship God and comfort each other and help each other.
I guess it is totally another world to people here. I wonder what they think it is like in third world countries? Maybe God is just calling me to a part of society most Christians here don't know about, or having escaped it, don't want to go back (like I dread the thought of going back to ___... though I would go in an instant if God called; or like I also dread nice little prissy middle class Christian culture).
Sorry for all the tears, Lord. You do know my heart. And I do know You are in control, and Your timing is perfect. Amen.