June 22, 2003
Last night at 180 Celebration:
- ___ and ___ came along with my daughter and I
- the singing was awesome. ___’s praying and exhorting was so Spirit-filled. God was so clearly there.
- Pastor ___’s sermon really reached my heart! God broke through my barrier of fear – resistance of fear – I actually went to the altar and prayed and submitted (oh I had to : but how hard to overcome my fear of what people think – even going back to my seat I rushed… still, God is working and I am responding… as I have so longed to yet feared… Thank You Lord… I do want to love others unconditionally – and now I know that it can’t happen unless I know and love You!
- after service the girls sat there a good 15 to 20 minutes – nobody seemed to want to leave!
- I actually offered my services for 180 café to ___! (Before I was told someone was in charge – but ___ said last night she didn’t think so – so I screwed up my courage and went and offered (down with fear!).
June 23, 2003
Yesterday I attended (after an awesome morning celebration service) the 301 Position class – and we discussed the DISC personality thing I did at cell group – and I found out it’s really okay to be a DC personality!
Dominant, direct, determined, demanding, doer
Cautious, competent, calculating, contemplative, careful
And – then we did a “gifts” thing – and I found out it’s also okay for me to have and enjoy and do those things – even if I am a woman! (Because I always felt like the things I knew I was good at – okay, gifted at – are not appropriate for a woman – at least beyond her specifically household responsibilities… and even then, I always felt I was “pushing” beyond the role of a woman in relation to her (patriarchal) husband… guilt, guilt, guilt – for being me!
The pastor cleared that up: submission is “under” … but not squashed! God made me this way, gave me these gifts and talents… and oh! This morning I lay there and thought about the things I’ve done, the things I’ve naturally gravitated to, even the things I’ve got “in trouble” for.. and yes, I see how God has altogether been leading me, molding me, preparing me to step out at this point into the body service He has for me.
(It was fun, too, to see my daughter and ___ discovering their gifts… boy there is a reason they are good friends!)
(And interesting to realize how much like my other daughter I really am…)
Oh, those “gifts” : 100 Writing, 92 Administration (Pastor says I should give 80% of my effort to these)…. 85 each: knowledge, music/instrumental, teaching (Pastor says I should give 15 to 20% of my effort to these)
(75s: music/vocal, giving
65s: artistry, exhortation, faith, leadership, mercy
Lower: discernment, evangelism, hospitality, intercession, pastoral, skilled craft, wisdom)
Okay, I did score low in areas I’ve often wished I were “better at” (wisdom, discernment, intercessions, even evangelism)… but I know these are areas that while I seek to grow in them, are not my gifts. So – I just now realize – that’s okay too!
I have lots of middle scores which kind of reflects my “Jill of all trades” past – but I think that’s good too because it means I’ve tried/ experienced many aspects of serving in the church – and in society – which is really important for an administrator in order to understand and organize and recognize the importance of and appreciate all the giftings!
And yes! I can write! I love it! Praise God!
(Guess I better start with my 2 minute testimony… assignment!)