July 27, 2003
When the Pastor talked about people being bitter and afraid/unwilling to forgive, I realized that was me! I am hurting. And it has piled up! And I hate to let it go, because… well, maybe I’ll find out a lot of the problem is me… and maybe it won’t make any difference and things will still be the same and I’ll just get hurt some more and have to forgive some more, and maybe its just easier to build up a “wall of bitterness” than expose my raw flesh to more caustic pain….
Do You see this, Lord? Do You see where I’m really at? I know You do of course. You’ve always known… and I’m just starting to see it. And I do want to be obedient, and let go of my bitterness and forgive and love my husband… indeed, I choose to… I chose to this morning (a bit reluctantly and painfully)… I do want to obey. I do want to free Your Spirit to work in my life (as You show me these nasty things…). I just don’t know how this translates into action. I guess I’ll just have to take that a step at a time. But I think there must be something I can plan to do… or isn’t that the way I keep getting myself into trouble?
By the end of 501 class today I felt like a total failure. I wondered if I ever really have been infilled with the Holy Spirit – because if I have why doesn’t my life “line up” like the Pastor said it should – a longing to lead others to You – and acting on it. I mean I haven’t led anyone to You that I know of. Even my kids didn’t come to You at my knee. As a Sunday School teacher I’ve explained the gospel to lots of kids but I don’t recall any of them making a decision. I have sometimes talked to friends but don’t remember them making a decision either. I even talked to a few students, and led ISCF and stuff. But lots of times I was just plain scared… probably of what people would think of me… ack…
And Pastor also said if you are indwelt (filled) with the Spirit you will be thankful in all things. And I sure haven’t been that. In fact, it seems that I have been a total failure and have never matured as a Christian. All the things he talked about being an immature Christian, he was talking about me.
Oh God – have all these journal entries, all the times I tried to surrender, and begged for Your Spirit, been for nothing? Why can’t I just trust You enough to have Your Spirit? Is it my fault for “quenching” You by not being a loving submissive wife and stuff like that? I really thought I’d surrendered… I really think I did – over and over – as much as I knew how… but where is the evidence of Your Spirit working in my life?
I still want all You have to give me. I want to be filled, filled, filled, filled, filled, filled, filled, filled with Your Spirit.
Have I ever had even a little bit?
Why can’t I have more?
Why do I have such a grating personality?
Why can all those other ladies at the meeting talk so “saintly” but everything I say is wrong?
Should I try again? Should I ask again? Am I too messed up? I am saved. I do want Your Spirit, I have tried to surrender. What more do You want?
The Pastor talked about the difference between caring (babysitting) and loving (making your kids grow up). I know I’ve just been a caregiver. God, You haven’t given me a lot to do… but it seems I’ve screwed up even that little bit. Go figure!
He also said if you are tired and burned out it’s because of going in your own strength. Another sign I haven’t been filled. Even though I asked and believed… over and over and over.
What is wrong, Lord God?