What if? what if? what if?

March 17, 2003

Yesterday morning the Abundant Life pastor spoke about moving out into what God has called you to, no matter how impossible it seems – and speaking what God has called you to (once you are sure He has called). It was a very powerful service. In the afternoon I was feeling kind of lost because I was wondering how you can know for sure God has called you to do something… and what if you step out and then bad things happen… like when I took the kids and left that town, but things haven’t been totally rosy… and what if I was just going by my wishes and being “punished” for being disobedient to my husband? And what about the outfall from the ___ business? And what about my “call” to play/lead music at the Pentecostal, and look what happened there…

And I talked to hubby. I was trying to find out if God is calling him to anything, because if God isn’t calling him, what’s with my “call” to eventual retreat center ministry, and to begin with, open hospitality in our home… if my husband isn’t “called” in a way that would at least complement and accept those activities (and what about the fact that people with kids in trouble/ family not in control aren’t supposed to be in “ministry”)? So many questions… I was in tears…

(Sometimes I wish for “loud and clear” but more often it’s through the Word (or a devotional) and/or through circumstances etc. I started practicing for life group, and this one song really “caught me” (Jesus, All For Jesus) and it was a comfort and then I “felt” led (again – like last Sunday) to go to the Pentecostal so I did. It was an awesome service! And the pastor “felt led (I think)” to call me up to lead in the choruses, and then his sermon was about how God uses trials in our lives, and then singing and prayer at the end – and I really “felt” the Spirit of God and I was praying in tongues and really praying for ___ and really forgiving and asking God for forgiveness….