Should-ing, trying to serve.... instead of walking in Your Presence

February 15, 2007

___ sent me that link to the "Jake book" and I started to read it... and he came over on Sunday and was talking about the whole "gossip" thing (which made me realize how negative I have become - again - and how I have fallen back into the "poor me" trap and the "blaming by gossip" trap, especially among my church family, but more generally too... which has made me more guilty... and then he brought up the "should" thing (ha! when I got to that part of the book and read the "Marsha, Marsha..." thing it really hit me! ___ had talked about it, but I didn't get it until I read the story...)

I have myself (never mind our "church") got caught up in the "should" syndrome... and when I don't/can't I feel guilty, and "I try" harder... and get exhausted and frustrated and blaming.... and feeling self-pity because I am having trouble too, but not able to put my finger on the source (but now You have opened my eyes, Lord, in Your own way... oh, You have just opened my eyes!!! I have been trying so hard to "serve You" that I have lost track of just walking in Your Presence moment by moment and letting You decide what each new moment/day/year will bring. I have stopped trusting You. I have gotten wrapped up in my new "Bible-in-a-Year" plan -- that I researched instead of just letting You send it my way as in the past few years. And I set up a day-by-day prayer book -- and while it isn't bad to have a list, I have started to live by the list, and when I really need to be listening to You a lot, or praying in depth for things You lay on my heart at that moment, instead I find myself chained to that list and resenting it, and not listening and responding to You.

What about ___'s small group (women) idea? Is it too formal, to programmed? Are we trying to "create" relationship instead of just relating to You, and seeing where You take us? I was just thinking, instead of a "must meeting" controlled by "commitment" why can't we just go out walking together for some exercise? Or like we hung out at the beach together with the kids a few times last summer?

What about Saturday evenings? Maybe we just let it be known that people can "drop in" and there'll be food (if they want it), companionship, whatever... kids can maybe get some homework help... moms can ask to be shown how to make fry bread or whatever... bring along and share a great family video? or bring something good that you've baked... or just come because you need company...