Are my motives for service/ ministry wrong?

July 16, 2003

Dear Lord, today I go to see ___.

I know I dumped all over him the other night when I was all emotional and hurting. But Father God, it wasn’t so much all those things after all, was it? Because I know You have stuff under control. It was about me and my hurt feelings, at least mostly. I do need support – but oh, I am getting it, so much of it – really ALL I NEED from You. If there is no one else to support me, You are sufficient. On the other hand of course, You do equip and expect Your body the church to support each other in You. I have not done my part either. I have been too wrapped up in all my own troubles to see others’ needs. Forgive me, Lord. Open my heart. Help be to love. Really love.

If we don’t love each other how will the world respond? “By this will all men know that you are my disciples if you love one another” – “They’ll know we are Christians by our love!” (Maybe all that “stuff” came rushing back to remind me how we are all hurting and need each other)… It’s not about me, Jesus – it’s all about You and Your purposes and using Your church to bring the world to You!

Confession: Dear Lord, You know I’ve already talked things over with You. You know I know – and I’m sorry for, I do repent of – my self-centeredness that causes me to get hurt so easily; and my lack of faith in Your Word and Your character and Your purposes; and my lack of real love and concern for my brothers and sisters in Christ and for my neighbors – and even for my own husband and my children.

Lord You know, too, that I am confused about whether You have given me any ministry and/or gifting in the area of music and worship. Lord, I do want so much to be involved in prayer. And I can write letters and stuff. And You have given me my family ministry…

And I do need to battle my urge for recognition by others… Lord is that my “problem”? are my motives for service/ ministry wrong – especially my motives for music ministry? Am I just selfish and self-seeking? Oh dear God, I am! Please - forgive me and help me to really understand – it’s all for Your glory and Your purposes! Thank You, Lord! amen!


…later…

Back from talking to ___.

He’s going to talk to hubby at Life group on the 28th, and try to schedule a family conference where we can set up some rules and boundaries (and consequences).

He also wanted to know if hubby and I want to formally join the church. I told him I don’t know about hubby – but that I am concerned right now about joining a church outside the community I live in. Then he asked something I had not seriously considered at all – moving to the community where Abundant Life is situated. I told him that the main (just about only) thing holding me here is looking after this place for my dad.

I was thinking about it on the way home. Maybe it is time to move along? ____ could go to hairdressing school and live at home, the younger children would have wider educational opportunities, maybe more friends, and more job opportunities for hubby and for me. And we could be more involved at Abundant Life.

Well, I don’t know, Lord, if this is even anywhere within Your will and plan. But I am open to it if it is.