Please don't let us "more forward" in our own ways... and an uncomfortable, awe-ful silence...were You calling us?

August 15, 2006

Lord, at the end of the meeting last night I shared 2 Chronicles 7:14 and expressed my great concern and desire - which I know You have laid on my heart - for our church to really start praying, together, often, in deep repentance and seeking Your face, in deep humility before You, so that You will answer and forgive us and heal our land - starting with healing ourselves, as believers and members of Your body. (Lord, I am terrified to move on in the "Pastoral search" until we as a body and a team have together reached this point of total repentance and humility and submission and obedience to You and Your Word, and are all under the full control of Your Spirit. Oh Lord, please do not let us "move forward" in our own ways, no matter how reasonable they may seem to us or how enticing a solution they may seem to be when we face pressure by church members - individuals or even the majority! - to get on with the "process" of "appointing a senior pastor!")

After I spoke my concern and read the scripture, there was a long, total silence. I have never experienced a silence that complete. Lord, it was, well, "heavy" and terribly still and "black-dark." It was like no one could move, like there were no words that could fill it. Lord God, it was, to be honest, frightening - in a sense perhaps of "awe-full-ness." Yes, it was an awful - and awe-ful - silence. (Finally one lady "broke" it with a kind of nervous comment about "Well, that was good" or words to that effect). Even the "breaking," while providing a sense of almost giddy, nervous, even giggly relief, had a razor-sharp kind of edge to it, a shattering of something that we perhaps did not understand and that made us - or me, at least - startled and uncomfortable, and even wanting to escape, yet at the same time amazed, and feeling a fearful expectation, and wondering and wanting to see what would come next. Lord, I don't know what happened there. I've felt heavy darkness before, oppressive darkness... but this wasn't the same. There was almost a crystal clear darkness in that silence, a sense of breath-holding, a feeling that one dare not move or breathe. If we had waited long enough, would we have heard Your still, small voice? What was happening there? What were You doing?

Lord, afterward I wished I had just slipped off my chair, onto my face, and cried out to You right then and there in deep repentance and humility of heart, and great desire to see Your Spirit pour out upon us. Is that the opportunity You were offering? Did we miss out on something great from You? Are You just waiting and longing for just one person - even me? especially me? - to step out and lead the way? You know, Father God, the emptiness I have been feeling, the certainty that there is still great sin in my life that needs confessing and casting away (although I have not been able to define what it is) - a sense of being dry and empty and separated from You, a great conviction that You have so much more You want to give me - and yet a frustration, even fear, of not knowing how to take that next step. Was that dark silence a portal, Lord God, a door through which I am invited to step into the glorious light and life of You in Your fullness? (I wonder if death is a bit like that, Lord?)

Lord, there's a voice on my shoulder (or somewhere thereabouts!) telling me, assuring me, that I'm making too much of this - even that that silence wasn't You at all, but instead... maybe even the enemy, the ruler of darkness. I don't know, Lord. I think it was You, Lord? You, with Your arms spread wide, Your hands stretching out to me - to us - just waiting... for us to step forward, kneel before You, repent and humble ourselves, reach out and grasp Your hands and allow You to pour Your Spirit out upon us, Your glory and Presence to burst forth in glorious light. Maybe? Yes? Lord?

Will You give us another chance?

Oh dear God, here I am. Take me. Let die to myself and live for You alone.

I'm so sorry, Lord.

(I still have no adequate words, Lord. I feel as though I am just babbling. Close my mouth, Lord. Let me hear Your voice, Your Spirit, alone. Even my prayers lately have seemed contrived Lord, me trying to say the right words... and failing of course... Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. Empty me of myself and fill me with You alone. Please, Jesus. Amen.)