Monday 29 May 2017


(Journaled April 2, 2017)

Lord, when I read about "Saint Mary of Egypt," I realised how very far away I still am from You ... and how great are my doubts and my unfaithfulness.

I do want to draw nigh to You.

Maybe there IS a reason I have longed for so many years for times of retreat. Alone. (With You. Even if I didn't know that was what I was longing for.)

Monasteries ... or a cabin on a wild, lonely beach ... or that tree house B&B my daughter found ... or in our little tent in a wilderness spot by a creek... just to be alone. With You. I now see.

I'm tired, Lord.

I feel like I've been pushing so hard to ... do something worthwhile. To leave a positive mark on the world. (Maybe to point someone to You. Have I ever, ever pointed someone to You? Enough for them to make a decision? I feel like I will one day bow at Your feet, my head hung down, because I have nothing, no one, to present to You before Your throne. I'm so sorry. I feel like such a failure.)

It seems like You have given me quite a lot of talents and definitely a lot of blessing ... but I have wasted them :-(

Is there anything for me to do now? Before it's too late?

I'm so tired. And discouraged. (Even though You've granted me a lot of "successes" lately...Thank You!...)

No comments: