Wednesday 7 March 2018
(originally journaled February 9, 2018)
I've been longing for a deeper walk with You, Lord.
I was listening to a radio program and one word, especially, hit me--"transcendent."
I have longed for years and years for opportunities to really study--but it never seemed the time was right, even though I got to kind of study alongside my husband when he was in Bible school; and to write and lead Bible Studies; and write those church newsletter articles; and participate in the street ministry; and blog, too.
And, recently, speaking engagements for Christian writers' groups (which made me feel a bit hypocritical, and actually made me realize how far I'd drifted from You).
And doing the Spiritual Disciplines study this winter.
But that word, "transcendent," (which was actually being used in a discussion about artificial intelligence [AI] and where it is taking us ... and the difference between super machine intelligence and general intelligence ... and how the latter is what, so far, separates us from machine intelligence)...
Well, You spoke to me through that word. I realized that in the past, my longing for study, though not wrong, was more based in my love of learning--a more intellectual, reasoning kind of approach--while now, in my older age, I am experiencing a longing to know You in a more intimate way.
To grow into Your mind (as in "Put on the mind of Christ") and to live in Your love and allow You to share it with others through me.
I did go through a time (or times, maybe) when I would hear Your voice and write it down and share it with others). But in that long period of depression and/or exhaustion, I seemed to totally lose that.
I am enjoying, even looking forward to my devotions again, with Your word and hymns and the Divine Hours and my written prayers. But I end with a feeling of "but shouldn't there be more?" I long to meditate, to hear Your voice. How?
Maybe I need to set aside my annual "read the Bible through" and just focus on one short scripture passage a day? And not forget to ask You to speak to me? "Centering prayer?" And not be afraid to write down what I hear--or don't.
Yes, I have been afraid. For a long time. Afraid to move from a rational (along with some emotional--peace, joy, etc.) knowing of You, to a more transcendent relationship with You--The Transcendent One.
(And then I opened the hymn book and the first words I saw:
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock.
That Rock is Jesus ... the only one!)