Saturday, 19 February 2011

I don't know how to be connected to You, Jesus

(This is post 4 in a series that started here).

So I was just wondering, "Is it possible to become so centered on Father (and/or on Your Spirit) that one can kind of miss out on Jesus?"

I mean, it's pretty easy to "know" another human being for a long time, and then to suddenly realize that there's a whole part(s) of that person that you really don't know at all. And to feel lonely, pushed away, locked out by that person, even in a supposedly close relationship with him or her.

But You don't lock us out, do You? Maybe we lock ourselves out? Maybe we feel that You are so great that we are afraid to take on more than a little bit of You. So we kind of create an image of You for ourselves that we feel more comfortable with. Or maybe we just avoid going deeper because we think it will take too much effort. Maybe we don't want to lose ourselves in the process of coming into knowing You, and coming into oneness with You. Maybe we are just confused, with all the things we've been taught about You over the years by different people, and it seems impossible and exhausting to really get to know You, love You, obey You, follow You.

What if I've been going down rabbit tracks all this time? What if the "gospel" I've been believing and teaching isn't the true gospel. What if it isn't You? I'm trying to tell myself that it's a journey, and I've just not experienced all of it yet. But what if the road is narrow, and either I've not found it (You - the Way) at all?

Dear Jesus, how do I center on You? Do I, even? What does it mean? You centered on Father. And I've tried to follow Your example, by centering on, knowing, Him too. But maybe I can't really know Him until I know You? Didn't you say that, or something like that?

I feel lost. I feel separated from You, Jesus. I don't even know how to be connected to You. What if I just screw up again?

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