Yes, I know "the facts," historical and doctrinal. Yes, I have believed in Jesus, accepted Him. Yes, I love Him. But despite years of being able to say those things, I have always felt something is missing. Like I have been longing for something to do with Him, but not sure what it is. And lately, that longing has been growing.
In October, I wrote in my journal: "Maybe Father is stripping, burning away, things in our lives that we have gotten so focused upon that they come between us and Him. I really have thought I have been centering on Jesus - or at least on Father. I'm still having a bit of confusion about how the Father-Jesus-Spirit Godhead works out in relationship with Him/Them. I have also had a long-held presupposition that "being a good Christian" equals being an intellectual Christian. I know that walking with Jesus in relationship, which includes reasoning but is so much more, is key. But I still have this fear that if I'm not primarily an "intellectual Christian" I won't be a "good Christian" and won't be useful, or approved either, to God."
A bit later, I wrote, "Oh, please dear God, help me to walk where You walk, see what You see, do as You do. Please. I want to hear You, speak to You, do Your will for me, share with and live with Your family, be a servant like Jesus. I want to "practice Your Presence." I want to know You, love You, obey You, serve You. I love You, Lord. Thank You for loving and forgiving me. Thank You, Jesus, for dying for my sins." And yes, I mean that. But.
Another day, I wrote, "Father, I do need to sing with others. And pray with others. And share You with others. And "break bread" with others. And share my life, my walk with You, with others in (and out) of Your family. Daily." I thought for a moment that maybe what I need is to be part of a new, different, "better" church group. But there is something more, something deeper and wider and more foundational that I am somehow missing. Something my dreams and wishes, and organizing my projects and getting busy on them, and even real participation in the church of Jesus can't fill up.
A couple weeks later I wrote, "I'm getting less interested in doctrinal "issues," and more and more longing to just know Jesus, know Father, hear and flow with the Holy Spirit. I've been discouraged by the pettiness and infighting I see on so many fronts (Arminianism/Calvinism, church structures and non-structures, postmodernism/traditionalism). Today, in the comments following a blog posting today by a guy who just said he wants to really KNOW God, there developed a huge flaming, by some readers, about Christ's deity. I, like him, was sad to see that. I do not want to get caught up in all that other STUFF."