Jesus the living answer. But still lacking connection.

(This is post 2 in a series that started here)
So one day I was reading Joshua 1:8, about meditating on "this book of the Law" and doing "all that is written in it." And then thinking about how in Galatians Paul tells us Jesus fulfilled the law and freed us from it. And I wrote, "If the law was completely fulfilled in Jesus, we really are in a totally new way. Jesus Himself - the Way, the Truth, the Life." But then I got befuddled again. "I know, Father, that You are with me wherever I go, and never forsake me. But is it because of Jesus' sacrifice? Or because You are love? Or because I meditate on Your Law?" I wrote and wrote. Questions. Puzzlement. Intellectualizing, again. And then, strangely enough, a quote from The Shack popped into my mind. Something Jesus says, in the story. "Mack, you don't need to have it all figured out. Just be with me."

So I looked in that book again. (The one some of my dearest friends tell me is heresy. Well, it's a book. And being written by a human, no doubt it has its problems. Don't we all? Still, God speaks in unexpected ways. Best to be careful about our labels). And I read where Sarayu (Holy Spirit, the One who points us to Jesus) says, "The Bible... is a picture of Jesus. While words may tell you what God is like and even what he may want from you... Life and living is in him and in no other... rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you... religion is about having the right answers, and some of the answers are right. But I am about the process that takes you to the living answer and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside." That got me excited.

But life whizzed by. A month plus later, I wrote, "I've been so lonely for You. And yet, just seem unable to really make any serious connection. Afraid actually. Afraid of starting and ending in failure. Afraid that I am too old, too tired, too out-of-date, too mommy/ grandma/ woman." Then I read a blog post. The writer, a woman, said she wanted time alone with Jesus. But no matter how she tried, she couldn't find time. A friend told her, "Just ask." She did. She thought the only practical time would be early morning, but that she'd be too tired. So she prayed, asking Jesus to wake her if He wanted. And He did. And gave her the energy. For the past 25 years. So I thought, "Well, it wouldn't hurt for me to ask." So I did.