Monday, 28 February 2011

becoming a child, even a baby

At Losing My Religion, Jeff McQ writes a post Coming as Babies in which he describes in detail about the stripping-away in his life that God has been doing.  Jeff says:

Jesus came as a man--but not as a grown man. He didn't launch His mission as the self-proclaimed expert of all things spiritual. He came into this world the same way we all do--as a baby. A helpless, vulnerable, non-potty-trained baby. He didn't come with all the answers--that came later....

On a personal level, I think I've struggled for a long time with my deconstruction. Although I've definitely been thankful for the sense of freedom (and wouldn't ever want to go back into bondage), I also have felt such a sense of loss because at the very least I had a strong sense of direction, and when things dismantled, I felt there was nothing to replace what I'd had. I think I'm finally going to be okay with that now. I think I can fully embrace this time and place, knowing that the previous stripping was necessary in order to step into this mission in the right way.

Jesus came to us as a baby, and He changed the world. I believe that if I embrace the same idea, enter this mission as a baby, and have patience with the process, I can at least make a positive difference. 
I can really relate to this.  I spent so many years in "religion,"  feeling quite confident that I was a "good Christian."  After all, I was deeply involved in all kinds of programs, and enjoyed plenty of pats-on-my-back.  I was confident about my knowledge about the Bible.  I was confident about my training and "success" as a teacher.  And on and on.

In the past few years, my confidence has been battered down.  Stomped on in the mud.  At first, I felt that I was being moved from a "Martha" position to a "Mary" position.  Probably I was pretty proud of that :-( ... But in the past while, that's been stripped away from me too.  I have been brought into a place where for the most part I have really felt like  "a helpless, vulnerable, non-potty-trained baby."  And no, I haven't enjoyed it all that much.  Lost my answers, lost my sense of direction, lost my self-confidence.

But I think Jeff has it right.  This is where I need to be.  Not Martha rushing around serving.  Not Mary sitting at Jesus' feet.  Not even a child sitting on Jesus' lap.  But a baby.  Totally dependant on Jesus. 

And yes, permanently dependent :-)

(Now, go read the rest of Jeff's post!)

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