(This is post 6 in a series that started here).
I don't even know for sure, anymore, what "being a Christian" really entails.
I feel as though all the old certainties have been pulled out from under my feet. And as though I am floundering in mid air. Not in danger of sinking and drowning, per se, because I know You are with me and are holding me up. I mean, You ARE with me. That I KNOW. But beyond that...?
Or is there even any "beyond" or "besides"? Is that the point?
JUST YOU? Is that the point? Stop looking for the framework? Stop trying to create a framework (that only ends up making me lose sight of You. Again.)?
Then where does Your family even fit in? Do I need to let that go too? Stop worrying about church? You know, that very idea seems, well, heretical? dangerous? lonely! Isn't church what it's all about?
Oh. No. YOU are what it's all about. Of course. I know that. I've always known it, somehow. But without church to hold it - to hold You - up?
Don't You need us? Aren't we important? How would the world be reached, how would morality be protected (etc etc etc), without us? You don't "need us"? Really? Are You sure? How could that be?
Okay, now I am being a bit sarcastic: at myself, for not seeing it before. I mean, in a way I saw it before, in terms of the church as a group. But I didn't see it (maybe didn't want to) as the church that involves me. I want to be needed. And useful.
Maybe this feeling useless and unneeded by my biological family, by my children who are now independent adults with families of their own, maybe this experience has been a good thing after all. Because I have been coming to realize that I am still loved by them, I am still me, still "mom." And realizing that that is enough. Without having to "do all the things moms are supposed to do." Just able to be here, loving them still and knowing they still love me, being ready to help if they call, but just relaxing in our mutual love meanwhile. Sure takes off the pressure.
Maybe it's something like that, my relationship with You and Your church. Just being me. Loving and being loved. Helping when I'm needed. And resting in our mutual love. Without pressure. Without big expectations and responsibilities and all. Leaving the calling up to You, and then walking and working through things with You.
Easy to say. Probably easy to be. So why so hard for me to understand and accept?