(This is post 5 in a series that started here).
Oh Father! I have felt so secure in Your love, since You revealed to me so clearly that You really do love me. But what about Your Son? Dear God, Father, how do I get to know Your Son and follow Him? How do I do it all alone? Yes, I need You. Yes, I need the Spirit, to show me Jesus.
I feel so held back. By my self, by my weaknesses and infirmities; by my tiredness, by my fears, by my stubborness. But also by others whom I have supposed to be Your church. I feel cut off from Your family. So lost. I can't make church happen.
I want to be part of Your body. Not just part of a club or system of programs or an institution. And Father, You have released me from that. But now I feel like I'm wandering around alone. I don't know how to be part of the church without all those supporting structures I've been used to. Oh, I know the theory. And I do experience You and Your family sometimes, in surprising ways. And yes, thank You for that!
But so few people seem to understand where I am at. And the more I am in this wandering place, the more I suspect that there must be, after all, a structure to the church. Something that holds it together and gives it meaning. It has to be Jesus, right? Jesus, the Center, the Head, the One who creates and then holds all things together.
Oh Jesus, I do want to know You. I want to know You and be centered on You for myself, of course. But more, I want to know You as the foundation, the ground, the shepherd, the head of Your church, Your family, Your body. I believe it is possible. But I can't make it happen. And I feel so alone. And useless.
I really do want to be an active, integral, useful part of Your church, Your family, Your body. But without getting all caught up again in religious frameworks and "business" and stuff. Your church is not a business. I cannot go there again.
There's a tear tricking down my cheek as I write this. Maybe it's just because it's early morning and my eyes are tired and kind of sore. But maybe it's really because my heart is sore.
I am sad. I am feeling the last few days as though the great sadness I've gone through the past while, which I was so sure You've been healing me from, is creeping back over me. And I am scared. I don't want more meds, Lord. I just want YOU. Whatever that means and whatever it entails.
I just want to take a little nap. Maybe stop talking long enough to rest in You. And maybe even hear Your still small voice a bit? Dear God? Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit? Whichever? Or all? Or?