(This is post 3 in a series that started here).
So I asked to be awakened early, if that's what God wanted. To be with Jesus. To get to the Living Answer. To even be changed by Him (oh I wish).
And yes, He has been waking me. I don't wake up full of energy like that woman in the story. Very often I wake very tired. My body and mind protest. I yawn. I groan and pull the blankets around me and wish to go back to sleep. Sometimes - far too often - I do. But again and again He calls me. Gently. Fills me with longing for Him. One day I wrote, "I am talking to, speaking with, You. And yes, knowing You are here with me. Really sensing Your Presence. Knowing You are listening. Nodding. Smiling. Encouraging me to continue. You draw me to You. Like I'm sitting at Your feet, having a real conversation with You."
"I want to hear from You. Clearly. Really, really wanting. To hear Your voice. To be led by You. My shepherd, pastor, teacher, Lord, King, Elder Brother, Counselor. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus. My God."
"To be honest, I am scared to ask, but, do You have a word just for me, right now, here, today, this moment? (Am I even special enough for that? Have I failed You too much, too often? Am I even smart enough? What about that I am 'just a woman' thing?)"
And I hear His voice. "My child, I love you. Come all the way to Me. Give up everything else. Trust My Love. That's all."
I want to. It sounds so simple. So wonderful. Jesus at the center. It must be what I've been missing out on.
But. Isn't Jesus for children? (Well, okay, and for grown-up people too, to "get saved." But then aren't we supposed to go on to "deeper things?" Aren't we?)
Oh. I am a child, right? God's child. So okay. But children need tough love, don't they? Children are self-centered, right? I know I'm self-centered, for sure. You have been working on my "self" for years. But still, have I really "died to my self"? I don't know. I certainly don't think I have been centered on Jesus. More likely I've been centered on things like theology and churchianity. And on me.
Okay, listen. I have really encountered Father recently. And Your Spirit, too. But I'm not so sure about You, Jesus. I've been astounded by Father's love (amazing, after years of fearing the whole father image). So. I'm also wondering: is it possible to become so centered on Father (and/or on Your Spirit) that one can kind of miss out on Jesus?