November 6, 2009 (again!)
… later… Hocus pick! That was just the most amazing roll of thunder (no weather sounds before that) and now there is a downpour of little white hailstorms (and more thunder). I looked outside and the sky was pitch dark. At first I assumed it was just “night” darkness… but then, over on the edge of the horizon, I spotted a very small patch of clear sky with almost-full-dawn brightness! And I realized the sky is just covered with a big puffy quilt of really thick black clouds! So cool! (Will You clear it up enough, Papa, for the street folks to come out for coffee/ breakfast?) Please? Your will be done!
When You told me to get up early, I thought You wanted me to type some more of my journal catch-up! I did a lot yesterday, and am just so thrilled to read again what You have been teaching me, and the amazing things You’ve been doing for us and in us – and Your amazing provisions that just seem to go on and on and on!!??!! (Why? I keep wondering… but I love it! Even if I don’t “deserve it” … etc…)
Last night hubby and I went to G’s and listened to a program talking about the prodigal son – or rather, about the loving Father!
Afterwards, we were talking about the things we’d been taught, our experiences (often NOT loving) of “church” in the past, the false perceptions we’d developed of You and Your “expectations of us,” and of “the church” and all….
But as we kept talking, I sensed You (speaking so quietly.. I didn’t even “hear” You at first… maybe – no, for sure – didn’t even want to hear You! Oh dear! I’m sorry… now… wasn’t then, though… sorry…) telling me that it is time to not only put behind us (me, too! Most!) the “bad events” of the past, and just walk forward, eyes (heart! spirit!) trained on You … but also time to put behind us (me, too! Most!) this rehashing, this re-telling of all those things we were talking about… for one thing, it’s tiring and useless to keep rehashing it, and listening to it being rehashed; and for another thing, it becomes excuse-making for our own wrong choices and attitudes – our sin! – and it also becomes a kind of boasting (“my past church/ God/ whatever experiences and training were lots worse than yours!”) (and of course that leads to exaggeration and fictionalizing – like, who can tell the better story?!?!??! – lies!)… and it wastes the time that we should be redeeming, using to move forward and to know and love You more, and allow You to use us to spread Your love – live it out! – and build Your kingdom!
Yes, the past is done! Let it go!
(I remember when Pastor A was teaching us to put together our “2 minute testimonies” … and he kept saying that “the past” shouldn’t use up more than 20%! That meant keeping it to 20% of 120 seconds… so 24 seconds, maximum! Ha! They say these days that we should wash our hands for 30 seconds (to avoid the H1N1 flu), and that that is about how long it takes to sing the “ABC” song… which is NOT very long! But longer than 24 seconds! Just the “ABC’s” without the self-congratulatory little ending… Hmmm… I think that our rehashing (mine, especially) of our past (mine especially) IS awfully self-congratulatory! (wanting to be admired, paid attention to, etc…)
(Should I remove my old written stories… or at least edit them to focus more on YOU??) (Papa??)
(At least I really need to watch my tongue at church-in-the-park/ morning coffee times.. leave the “old man” behind!!! Totally!!! Walk – and talk!!! – in “newness of life!!!!).
YAY!! I AM FINALLY CAUGHT UP!!!