Saturday, 7 November 2009

discouraged about writing and teaching... but longing to...

July 5, 2009

Sunday morning… woke up about 4:30 ish, wondering if Pastor P will be doing church in the park… or will take a break? Theoretically he is on holidays, but he did do it last Sunday when we were away, and only 4 people were at the “service.” Well, that was his “ordination” Sunday (in the afternoon)… I think he is now on his holiday break… but not sure. So I was asking, “Lord, what shall I do?” I really didn’t want to get up; my tummy felt sick just thinking of it. I wondered what I could bake “just in case” …. Cookies, bread for toast (my one-hour recipe), scones, muffins…. Not time enough for fried bread… and then I settled on lemon loaf, because if there isn’t church-in-the-park, hubby and son would like it for breakfast, and it would be good to have on hand for our company coming this week, or I could even take it to Ruth for their Sunday morning coffee bar. So I got up about 4:45, stirred up the batter and put it in the oven (working quietly, in the dawn light, so as not to wake my son, who is “on-call” for work this morning). Then I emptied the dishwasher, put away the clean dishes, and refilled the dishwasher with the dishes I should have washed before bedtime! Of course I can’t turn the noisy thing on till hubby gets home and son wakes up….

Oh yes, yesterday, when Pastor P came by, I mentioned how I really feel compelled to teach… I even admitted (confessed… shyly… even kind of embarrassedly…) that I believe I have a gift of teaching, but that after my “school teaching” experiences I’ve been avoiding the whole teaching thing because I just can’t go that route of “structured” teaching… and he surprised me (though I probably shouldn’t have been surprised…) by saying he is going to pray on it, that God will open an opportunity for me to teach. He said it thoughtfully, and said that I must use my gifting.

(Father, I’ve longed so much that my writing might be a blessing to people… but it has seemed that my many many hours of writing and typing and blogging and web-site-making and so on might just be a total waste, for it seems doubtful to me that almost anyone reads it. But at the same time, I again feel “compelled” …. Of course, I don’t know if people do read it or not (though sometimes in the past I know they have; and every now and again someone will actually post a comment… and the people at the writer’s group actually liked most of my writing…) but, Papa, I’ve been discouraged lately about writing, maybe that’s why I didn’t for the past week or so… besides which, maybe I needed that break and refreshment… And You know how I loved teaching/facilitating those ladies’ Bible study and prayer groups (and people really were blessed and grew, I think – didn’t they?) and I loved the teaching/ relationship aspects of school teaching – it was the administrivia and politics and grading and foolish parts of the curricula structure that drove me nuts… and I still dream (more and more… again… especially after listening to that guy from the intentional community, that Adie sent the link for) of life in an intentional community/ retreat center/ camp setting/ something!

Father, I like baking and visiting and stuff for people… but oh, Papa, Your Word BURNS in my heart and I want to SHARE YOU in word as well… both written and spoken. Yet at the same time I have become more quiet, slower to jump into conversations… more of a listener… and I think that has been of You, too… I really have needed to learn to LISTEN!!

(And I want to play my guitar and sing, too…)

(And yesterday, wading along the shore of the lake, I felt so lonely… hubby and son aren’t “into” the things I am, all that much – ummm, hardly at all, even – and I am lonely for community!) (Think I’ll “go to church” this morning….)

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