Why am I so full of questions?

(Written on November 28, 2011 in my journal)

Dear God,

After today I really (more than usual) "don't deserve" to come to you.
What is the matter with me?
After all that "inspiration" from P - I write "writing challenges" that sound like I don't know You at all :-(

I want to know You.
I want to hear You.
I want to walk with You, and please You, and worship You.

So why oh why am I so full of questions (and doubts) (and sarcasm ... or at least wondering frustration, not getting-it)?  Why?

My brain finally wakes up.

And it isn't easy - again.

There was something comforting when I was young and knew all the "right answers" in Sunday School and Pioneer Girls and campp and all.

And there was something comforting when my brain "shut down" when I got depressed or exhausted or whatever it was.  (But at the same time I was terrified that I'd "lost it" permanently).

Maybe You don't mean for it to be easy for me.

And... How can I "witness" in my dealings with my tutoring students and fellow writers and editing clients?
Do You want me to?  Are You giving me opportunities (like today's writing challenges) and I'm just "blowing them"?

I wasn't trying to be cool...
At least not at first...
Though I guess I do want to fit in somehow.

My brain and my spirit/heart seem to be in conflict.
Oh. I want peace (not just positive thinking) and joy (not just happiness).

I want You.  But I sure don't sound like it or act like it, do I?