(Written on November 28, 2011 in my journal)
After today I really (more than usual) "don't deserve" to come to you.
What is the matter with me?
After all that "inspiration" from P - I write "writing challenges" that sound like I don't know You at all :-(
I want to know You.
I want to hear You.
I want to walk with You, and please You, and worship You.
So why oh why am I so full of questions (and doubts) (and sarcasm ... or at least wondering frustration, not getting-it)? Why?
My brain finally wakes up.
And it isn't easy - again.
There was something comforting when I was young and knew all the "right answers" in Sunday School and Pioneer Girls and campp and all.
And there was something comforting when my brain "shut down" when I got depressed or exhausted or whatever it was. (But at the same time I was terrified that I'd "lost it" permanently).
Maybe You don't mean for it to be easy for me.
And... How can I "witness" in my dealings with my tutoring students and fellow writers and editing clients?
Do You want me to? Are You giving me opportunities (like today's writing challenges) and I'm just "blowing them"?
I wasn't trying to be cool...
At least not at first...
Though I guess I do want to fit in somehow.
My brain and my spirit/heart seem to be in conflict.
Oh. I want peace (not just positive thinking) and joy (not just happiness).
I want You. But I sure don't sound like it or act like it, do I?