(Written on November 7, 2011 in my journal)
Please be with my husband (care aide) and the nurses at the Psych ward ... and the "crazy people," dear Jesus.
Any why do people get mental illness? Surely it isn't all "demon possession/oppression" as I've heard people claim?
And is that book author right - that the demons have all been locked up in hell since 70 AD? And all the evil in the world is just us and our evil desires? And apparently, according to that guy, our "minds playing tricks on us" or something?
I mean it does seem like some mental illness, at least, does something like that - "voices" in schizophrenia, for example, and what about some cases of psychoses or sociopathologies? I mean, do people really bring that stuff on themselves? Or is it "genetic" or caused by other people or events in their "environment" - or "generational curses" (yeah, what about those?)
And if people don't "bring it on themselves," but it is caused by other forces, then where is the "fairness" in that? And are they really "guilty" for what they do?
Is depression really sometimes a matter of chemical imbalance in the brain? What about dementia? How is that fair? Yeah, what about that?
Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit - I know You love us and are with us through all that stuff (which makes me doubt those claims of it all being caused by our own ... sin, I guess. The Pharisees would have loved that reasoning...).
And I know we can depend on You. And that You are "in control" in the end ... and yes, in the present, too, even when it looks like everything around us is "out of control." And You "allow things for our good." ... Okay, listen ... Are all these statements true? Really? I mean, really? Why doesn't it look like it more, then?
Sometimes, Lord, I worry that the extreme Calvinists are right. That You've just "chosen" a few. And the rest are - what? tossed in the garbage heap? Punished for a choice they didn't have? ... But what kind of "love" is that? What kind of justice? What kind of righteousness? Or do I just define those things incorrectly?
Is my heart closed to You and Your truth? I tell people You are so much bigger than we can imagine, and we can't contain Your creativity - and complexity - and love, and judgment, too -- in a little square box of our own making... But maybe I've been doing that myself?
I mean, I'm pretty sure I've been doing it in terms of my "rejection" of "institutional church forms."
So maybe I've been doing it, too, in my rejection of what "seems impossible" to me - that You could at once both love - BE LOVE - and choose some, while "summarily" rejecting others before they are even born, conceived, whatever?
In some ways, it was a lot easier when all I had to do was "believe" a set of rules or doctrines someone assured me were true.
But Lord, it seems now that You are asking me to just "accept You" in all Your complexity - whatever that may turn out to include (or not include) - to accept you without judgment!?!?!?!?
And is that how You accept me, through Jesus? Because if it is, You really are far beyond what I can imagine...
Then how can You be both judge - and non-judging? And who gets to be non-judged? And how can we know for sure? Surely it has to be more complex than "come to the front of the church and say the sinner's prayer." But maybe the seemingly trite things have far more depth than we think. Or depth in a totally different way that we think?
And who gets to be "judged"? And do every one of the "judged ones" actually "get a choice" in some way after all? Or "no choice" except "Your choice"? I get (well, theoretically at least, I get) that You as Creator have the right to deal with Your creation as You wish, but ... but ... but ... Oh. Am I "judging You" again?
Well, and then, of course, there IS Job.
Time to stop.
(Will I "get judged" for coming out and writing down what has been going through my heart and mind for so long ... which You know completely anyway? No, I don't think so. I don't believe so! "There is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." And I AM.
I mean, I know I am Your child.
So why am I worrying?
Does the way that book has disturbed me make it evil? (or showed me to be evil?)
Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?
Please! I need to know the truth!
I need to know You!
(Maybe I need to trust You, too?)