What was it all about?

(Written on October 24, 2011 in my journal)

I laughed with joy when I woke up this morning.  Because I found myself really excited to spend time with You, Lord God!  It's been so long.

I guess I did go through a long period of being weary and heavy-laden.  Life is like that sometimes, but I see now it is how we respond to it.  If we carry it ourselves, it is a burden.  If we turn it to You, You take the load for us, and give us rest even as we walk through it.  Right?

BUT - it seems like, well, I don't know.  But wasn't it just January 2008 when it hit me that You love me?!?  And then what?

I thought I was trusting you going through the loss of the planned move to Campbell River (but we got this nice house a year later, so I should have been content...), and mom's death (and dad's not all that much earlier), and the kids growing up and moving away, and the church falling apart, and those hard jobs at that bakery and then at that church office, and my kids and their troubles, and so on and so forth ... and then what was that exhaustion and memory loss and fear of dementia all about anyway?  Was it really depression?  Or just exhaustion?  Was it my fault?  Was I not resting in you?  Was it the culmination of years of trying to carry it all myself (even when I thought I was leaving it to You)?

It seems like we're supposed to "turn it all over to Jesus" and everything will be just lovely after that - but either I really didn't turn it over to You (and I was so sure of Your Presence and love and care - and I did - I'm sure I did - rest so much more in You - didn't I?  Yes, I'm sure I did!  I clung to You. You held me tight!  You did!) ...

... or else life is more complicated than we think.  Maybe it was cross-bearing in some way?  Maybe the fall of 2010 was just REST GIVEN BY YOU which I would never have taken on my own.  Rest which clearly I needed, but didn't realize how much I needed it.  Well, I sure did sleep a lot.

And then I wanted to rush around, get work, etc.  And You held me back.  I didn't get better instantly.  I still tire easily.  I still need You to be in charge!  I still need to stop and wait and ask for Your guidance.  Oh dear God, please help me! Please!  Thank You.

Amen.