stripping away

(Written 13 August 2012 in my journal)

Okay! So...

I have the same feeling in my stomach that I had just before I stepped off the bridge over the river at the camp ground this summer (and Red Bridge in the past) -- and I just need to close my eyes, take a deep breath -- and step off....

What am I feeling like this about?
Writing!

Basically, I haven't written for a long time.
No blogging.
No story writing.
Well, okay, a bit of email writing - and suggestions for other writers, etc.
BUT...
It has felt like I have nothing to say.
(Or draw)
(Or sing. Or play).

But suddenly, I want to.

Maybe because I see God working in our lives.

Maybe because I have felt so lost - like God has been stripping away so much of ME ... I mean, of my SELF, my independence, my panic, my doctrinaire approach to Him... (even my travel money savings... Lord?).

I have found this whole "relationship with Jesus" thing so hard to step into... even to understand.  Like I just somehow "don't get it."

The "doctrinaire stuff" ... so many things I thought I "knew" ... and lately they've been challenged.  Challenged.  Well, Father, You know what things....

And then You send along this book... and suddenly, through the eyes, the words of this author, I'm seeing You... yes, comprehending! feeling! longing for! .. You in a whole new way...

Seeing YOU! in a whole new light.  "Facts" - even "doctrine" - I've "known" all my life...
and suddenly it seems to be alive - YOU seem to be alive!
And I want to be wrapped in, infused with, integrally part of, fully engulfed in and living in - Your life.  In You!

Why oh why has this always been such a problem for me?

Mom used to say how puzzled she always was at how I could "know" (intellectually) (I guess) so much about You...
and yet - somehow - not "get it" ... not "get" You...  :-(

Yes, there have been "moments" of sudden "illumination" - like when I read "The Shack" and suddenly understood that yes! You do really, really, truly love me!

And I do "love You" ... but still... I have felt so far away from You.
I have felt so ... flat.  Like I'm in this gray, 2D kind of place.
No emotion.  Or at least very little.  Momentary bits ... "surprised by joy" ... but so short lived...
Okay... no music.
(I'm even afraid of music, maybe?  I think...) (and art... and  color... and writing!!!)

But now...
I want MORE!
I want YOU!
I want what I saw when my Grandpa prayed...
and when my mom had tears rolling down her cheeks in church (and I was puzzled - and curious - and wondering)...
and the glow on the Ts' faces when they sang...
and Pastor B when he prayed and praised and preached!...
and other people I've met who...
who really know You!

I look at G and he seems so ... content.
He's interested in what people "believe" ... and I think he's really seeking Your truth...
but he doesn't seem to get "knotted up" about it like I do...
he just seems content to wait and listen
and hear Your voice, Your Spirit...
whenever You are ready to chat with him about it?
(is it irreverent to put it that way?)

I think I have a lot of fear.
I'm afraid to get it wrong.
Afraid to be punished if I do.
Afraid to disappoint... You, of course... but others, too
(but the funny thin is, as I just wrote that,
I suddenly realized that the ones whose opinions really "count" to me,
probably wouldn't be disappointed in me at all...
because they really do love me!
And so do You!
And if I'm still open to You, and longing for You, and reaching out to You...
no matter how weakly, slowly, "stupidly" ...
You are pleased... and happy!...
and so are they (if they even know, there with You)....

Tomorrow morning is Tuesday street breakfast.
Am I - are we - really "reaching out for You"?
I hope so.

Please help me to love You.
Really love You... (and to really love others too). (Please).

Thank You.
Amen.