(Written Nov 6, 2011 in my journal)
Father, I seem to mostly be on a "dead-end" when it comes to writing on my Church Journey blog - or even here talking to You (but here I am ...).
What is happening? I feel "checked" - like I should sit back, observe and listen - and once in awhile maybe say something kindly and gently ... Father, I believe You are giving me words, and love ... and they aren't "in-your-face Christian preaching/proclaiming." They don't "present the gospel and ask for a response." Sometimes they don't use Your name(s) at all.
I do find, in groups especially, that I have little to say... though I think things ... but they don't seem important enough to "interrupt." And sometimes it just feels comfortable to sit back with people and say nothing. There is something about "companionable silence," especially if there is no electronic noise to interrupt it, and especially when it is outdoors.
I just feel like a lot of the time I don't have anything "valuable" to talk about. Honestly, I feel kind of overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't know what to say: I'm just not nearly so sure about a lot of "doctrines and beliefs" as I used to be. And things I do know, I seem to know in a ... well ... deeper, more heart-level way. And sometimes that just seems inexpressible in words. How does one "say" heart-knowing things?
It really hurts me, too, these days, when people write and/or say hurtful or hurting things. Why do I "feel their pain" so much more? And why do I wish people would just be kind and loving to others? Why does "history" no longer seem like facts to be analyzed, but rather to so often be composed of incomprehensible and sad and confusing and foolish interactions between people. People who should just "grow up!" ... in You, I suppose! ... and "get along!"?
Hmm... Guessing this is the kind of thing I could blog about on My Church Journey. (As if anyone would be interested...)