30 May 2010
"As the deer panteth for the water/ So my soul longeth after Thee./ You alone are my heart's desire/ And I long to worship Thee./ You alone are my strength, my shield./ To You alone may my spirit yield./ You alone are my heart's desire/ And I long to worship Thee." (A. Martin Nystrom, lyrics)
Oh dear God, that is what I want: for You alone to be my heart's desire! That is the CORE I've been seeking in this whole writing business, experience, journey.
I'm not even so sure - or concerned (!) - anymore about the whole "writing as a way to make money" thing. I've studied the world's way of "writing success." I already know that I do not want ads on my sites that might be pushing "products" I do not believe in myself. And I am most certainly not interested in multi-level marketing. I've been there before, and I am convinced that it is NOT Your way, most definitely. Though its proponents (the few who make it big and live on the misery of the endless downliners who toil for pennies or less) advance it with mighty "religious fervor!"
I do like the idea of giving most of my "product" (my writing, what You have shown me, taught me) away for free. I'm not so sure about the "selling" of the "deeper details." Though I do see the point of selling paper-published materials for those who want them - and/or e-books. What the proceeds of those sales are used for - I'm not so sure about that. Father?
In Your word (in Paul's writing, especially) we read that we are to support ourselves by working with our hands. And I guess I am wondering, in an information-based society (to a large degree) as ours is, what all does that include? Teaching has been a "time-honored profession" (and I've certainly supported myself by it!), as have speaking, writing books and articles, leading seminars, and so on. And I do think that they are, for those talented, gifted, skilled in those ways, legitimate ways to earn a living.
I am, however, concerned about where one draws the line, or if one even does so, between making a living, and sharing You. I see too clearly what can happen when sharing You turns into a "profession." Paul had a definite, hands-on profession (tent-making) to earn his bread-and-butter. But what about Peter and the others whom You called away from fishing for fish, Jesus? You did, didn't You?
And the "hands-on" things I've done... Well, mothering is pretty much done (though grand-mothering, and a bit of mothering on a more sisters/friends-relational level, continue. But of course mothering was never really a money-making proposal anyway!). And teaching: You called me out of that, for many very important reasons, and now I'm probably too close to retirment age, and certainly getting too tired. Then there is working in restaurants and such. But my physical strength is wavering. And I will not engage in direct sales anymore of things that are too often superfluous, luxury-type items. Dust collectors. Just stuff. Ha! It is hard to have values, sometimes. It does seem to cut one off from many of the world's "opportunities."
I don't live in a world of "extended families" where older women live with the younger family members and help and guide them. But I do want to be a Titus 2:3-5 woman:
"Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good 5. so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored." (Titus 2:3-5).
But it just doesn't seem to make much "sense" in today's world (at least in our North American mainstream society). I think I could do this, through my writing, somewhat. And I do it already with my own children and grandchildren as much as I can. I think I also have opportunity to do that to some degree in the "street family" You have connected me with. I'd like to do it, too, with young women I know - but it seems that what they mostly want is a babysitter, so they can get some "alone time," or be able to "get a job" (much of which goes to pay the babysitter, oh yeah). And, well Papa, You know I'm just not strong enough now for any long-range babysitting. Oh, I would love to facilitate or guide women into learning to spend time with You - and to live simply!
It seems, too - mainly - that what I'm able to do (okay, what You seem to be leading me to do) is scriptural: but not necessarily money-making! So obviously I need to learn to live even more simply. It's not so hard for me, but at the same time it's not so easy for some significant others in my life. You'll have to take care of that, if this is what You want. And Yes, I need to learn to trust You to provide for our needs!
MY WRITING HAS TO BE CENTERED ON RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU! That is IT!!! The CORE!!!
I don't know about the "business side" of it. I see different ways it can be done - even some apparently pretty good, moral, decent ways. And there are lots of "professional Christian writers." But maybe I should not be depending on that, but rather should just let You care of that end of things - IF this is Your plan for me...
I guess I am "planning" again, instead of walking step-by-step with You, taking the "opportunities to work" that You send along the way?!? Hmmmm....
Papa, it would be so nice to be part of a part of Your family that has some young women with husbands and children. Though I guess I do also have that in my own family, don't it? Yes!!! :-)
I'd still love to be the "granny home-school lady" in a close-knit community. Papa?? (Though the things I personally wish for usually seem to end up not being very good for me in the long run, or even in the short term. Oh Papa! I want Your will, Your plans and purposes, Your best for me.
I guess maybe I'm still trying to "succeed" eh? Help me, please, to just rest in You, just desire Your pleasure, wrapped in Your love. (And return that love to You - and to others, too).
Thank You! Amen! Amen. :-)
(I do believe - as I am talking to You right now - that I need to have lots of hands-on mixed in with my writing. How - is up to You) (Maybe even be a granny in my own little neighborhood complex, right here?)