Monday, 20 February 2017

Fears around dementia

(originally journaled Sept. 5, 2016)

I am reading "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobsen again. I realise I do know, deep down, that You love me. But I think I'm holding back...
.... out of fear (and lack of trust) that You'll allow me to develop dementia (as my mom and both her sisters had) which is a thing that seems so unfair and capricious about who it hits. And I've never heard of anyone being healed of it by prayer ... or being able to prevent it ... or having quality of life ... or hope (though it sounds like some Australian scientists might be coming up with something to untangle the plaques of Alzheimer's ... I wonder if it would help with Lewy Body dementia, too?) ...

And I'm wondering: do people with dementia lose their sense of relationship with knowing and experiencing You (like they do with everyone else apparently)? (I feel like I could handle it, maybe, if there was a guarantee that at least I'd still have some level of active relationship with You...)

And I am having a hard time understanding how mental illness and chronic illnesses and things are so often visited on innocent children and "good" people. I know the theological explanations--but they don't "heal" or "fix" or really even comfort a sad heart (which is what You do, right? So we're supposed to turn to You instead of just to theology.

But, Lord, where are You right now? I want to point my children and my grandchildren to You--but I want them to see a real, active You, not just a "doctrine" -- and how can that happen if Your action isn't clear? If the world is so "unfair." And is it "my fault" because I don't trust enough? Do you really "visit the sins of the parents upon the children?" Is that fair, either?


So I just started reading again from "He Loves Me" and this is what jumped out at me--this is what I want to believe--and experience!

"When that love touches you, you will discover there is nothing more powerful in the entire universe. It is more powerful than your failures, your sins, your disappointments, your dreams, and even your fears. God knows that when you tap the depths of His love, your life will be forever changed. Nothing can prevail over it; and nothing else will lead you to taste his kind of holiness."

Please touch me with Your love ... and all my family, too. Please.
Please take my fears ... and my anger and hurt and all my failures.
Please love me anyway, and all my family ... because my love keeps on failing them :-(
Please take over. Please.

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