Why am I so full of questions?

(Written on November 28, 2011 in my journal)

Dear God,

After today I really (more than usual) "don't deserve" to come to you.
What is the matter with me?
After all that "inspiration" from P - I write "writing challenges" that sound like I don't know You at all :-(

I want to know You.
I want to hear You.
I want to walk with You, and please You, and worship You.

So why oh why am I so full of questions (and doubts) (and sarcasm ... or at least wondering frustration, not getting-it)?  Why?

My brain finally wakes up.

And it isn't easy - again.

There was something comforting when I was young and knew all the "right answers" in Sunday School and Pioneer Girls and campp and all.

And there was something comforting when my brain "shut down" when I got depressed or exhausted or whatever it was.  (But at the same time I was terrified that I'd "lost it" permanently).

Maybe You don't mean for it to be easy for me.

And... How can I "witness" in my dealings with my tutoring students and fellow writers and editing clients?
Do You want me to?  Are You giving me opportunities (like today's writing challenges) and I'm just "blowing them"?

I wasn't trying to be cool...
At least not at first...
Though I guess I do want to fit in somehow.

My brain and my spirit/heart seem to be in conflict.
Oh. I want peace (not just positive thinking) and joy (not just happiness).

I want You.  But I sure don't sound like it or act like it, do I?

Still dreaming

(Written November 26, 2011 in my journal)

It is sure blowing outside.  Not cold.  But gray.
Makes me want to go home.  To my islands.
I don't even want to look outside.

I still long for the day when I can have my little cabin by the ocean - away from "town" - and my old bus I can take on back roads and explore the land.  Why not?  I'd be willing to live super simple.  Yes I would.  Please?

Can Grandmothers backpack through Europe?  Please?

Or should I just be content with what I have?  Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?  (Yes, Your will be done).

After all, I'm only 56.  I probably have at least 20 years, or 30 even.  So why not?

liturgy and ancient paths

(Written Nov 26, 2011 in my journal)

I was watching a program about the St. John River in New Brunswick, and how it has been changed by hydro damming.  And how that has affected the native peoples' relationship to it - and how they are giving tobacco gifts to the Great Spirit to let Him know they are care about it.

I feel so lacking in historical/cultural background.  Again, what can I claim in my background that is special, unique, heritage?  Even my "Christian heritage," as much as I appreciate it, seems to "lack" in some way - perhaps in a "hands-on" approach?

I loved the Anglican liturgy in the few years I attended and participated - whether it was a native or non-native gathering.  Somehow those ancient words - prayers, songs, responses - created a connection with believers - family - of the past.  As did even the candles, rituals, priests' robes, kneeling stools, hand-carved walls and furnishings and altar, stained glass...

I wonder why so many "Protestants" were so eager to go "simple"?  And yet, they quickly created their own traditions - barren, I feel, in comparison.

Barren in terms, especially, of forsaking the ancient psalms, songs, prayers - the loss of the word (Word?) it seems.

be myself? or a nice Christian girl?

(written November 26, 2011 in my journal)

The thing is, when I do things by being "myself" - I'm instantly under this condemnation of "not being Christian enough." 

I'll be honest here.  I am scared of "myself" when it comes right down to it.

G said the other day that she hardly recognized me when I got up and did that presentation at that meeting.  She said the quiet, polite Norma disappeared, and suddenly there was a self-confident, professional, knowledgeable woman, able to field and answer questions, with a clear, confident voice.  She said she was so impressed.

The thing is - that's where I like to be.  That's where I'm comfortable.

But I'm terrified of what people will think of me.  I'm terrified of being seen as pushy and overbearing (I was astonished to hear "self-confident, professional ... impressed").  I'm terrified of overstepping the bounds of a "nice Christian girl who knows her bounds."

I want to step out and be myself.  All my life I've wondered how God (yes, You, Lord) could make me like I am, when apparently what I am "naturally" is all "wrong" (evil!) for a Christian woman - wife, teacher, "leader" (oops ... oh, evil L word).

Is it "wrong" for me to give up my dreams?  (Or to just "turn them over to You, surrender them, give them up to You...").  (Or is it that I am actually "giving up on them" - thinking that they were "all about me" and "selfish" - and probably "undeserving" maybe - and yes, "evil," all along?).

I really am confused.  What if Your really don't want me to be a "good, nice little Christian girl"??  What if You really did make me with this "abrasive" personality?  What if my beloved-by-everybody-and-worshiped-by-me mom (and Grandpa) were doing the same thing?  What if "keeping the peace" isn't all it's cut out to be?

What if You, Jesus, really did come "to bring a sword"?  What if You do want me to stand up and PROCLAIM - even though I am a woman?!?!  And even if people don't like to hear it/reject it - to just "shake the dust off my feet, take back my blessing, and move on"??  That's what You told Your disciples, isn't it?  (Of course, they were men, right?) (Why did You make me a woman then?  Sometimes, "Christian-wise," I feel like a man in a woman's body!  I'm tired of holding myself - or is it my "self"??? - in!).  (Or is this my own personal little cross?  Or what?)

I'm tired of being "pushed around" by the "Pastor."  I'm tired of being "just a woman, working in the kitchen" - supposedly not able to do anything "brave" - and certainly not anything "spiritual" - which is the feeling I get.  So am I just be "selfish" again?  And "unsubmissive"?  R is happy "in the kitchen."  I enjoy it there to a degree - but I surely don't feel it is my "calling."

I want to be able to speak out at church gatherings (along with helping/serving).  I'm tired of "submissively, womanly" keeping my words to myself.  (Your words? Really? Could it be?)  I feel useless, sitting there politely, submissively.  (But okay, in this group I sense it is safe - and welcome - for me to participate.  But so many years of fear are holding me back....)

What's with that B guy?  He seems to take joy in "egging me on" until I come out and say what I think!  Actually, I love it when I "let go" - and yet, I immediately clam up because I feel I am "not being Christian."  (Maybe he's giving me courage!?!)

I'm tired of "being Christian."

But longing to follow You.  Really follow You.

(Is it even safe to let You let me be me?   Could You have made some kind of "mistake" making me?  Am I just "crazy"?  Ha!  I hear the enemy on my shoulder!) (or is that just my mind "playing tricks" like that guy in the book says?) (Nah.)

(orrrrr.... Could it be that "being a nice Christian girl" is "selfishness and empty conceit" - seeking, in reality, the "approval of man" - "humbling myself" under the hand of man to seek his exaltation, rather than under the hand of God to seek His exultation?!?)

What was it all about?

(Written on October 24, 2011 in my journal)

I laughed with joy when I woke up this morning.  Because I found myself really excited to spend time with You, Lord God!  It's been so long.

I guess I did go through a long period of being weary and heavy-laden.  Life is like that sometimes, but I see now it is how we respond to it.  If we carry it ourselves, it is a burden.  If we turn it to You, You take the load for us, and give us rest even as we walk through it.  Right?

BUT - it seems like, well, I don't know.  But wasn't it just January 2008 when it hit me that You love me?!?  And then what?

I thought I was trusting you going through the loss of the planned move to Campbell River (but we got this nice house a year later, so I should have been content...), and mom's death (and dad's not all that much earlier), and the kids growing up and moving away, and the church falling apart, and those hard jobs at that bakery and then at that church office, and my kids and their troubles, and so on and so forth ... and then what was that exhaustion and memory loss and fear of dementia all about anyway?  Was it really depression?  Or just exhaustion?  Was it my fault?  Was I not resting in you?  Was it the culmination of years of trying to carry it all myself (even when I thought I was leaving it to You)?

It seems like we're supposed to "turn it all over to Jesus" and everything will be just lovely after that - but either I really didn't turn it over to You (and I was so sure of Your Presence and love and care - and I did - I'm sure I did - rest so much more in You - didn't I?  Yes, I'm sure I did!  I clung to You. You held me tight!  You did!) ...

... or else life is more complicated than we think.  Maybe it was cross-bearing in some way?  Maybe the fall of 2010 was just REST GIVEN BY YOU which I would never have taken on my own.  Rest which clearly I needed, but didn't realize how much I needed it.  Well, I sure did sleep a lot.

And then I wanted to rush around, get work, etc.  And You held me back.  I didn't get better instantly.  I still tire easily.  I still need You to be in charge!  I still need to stop and wait and ask for Your guidance.  Oh dear God, please help me! Please!  Thank You.

Amen.

What about mental illness? Really? And God?

(Written on November 7, 2011 in my journal)

Please be with my husband (care aide) and the nurses at the Psych ward ... and the "crazy people," dear Jesus.

Any why do people get mental illness?  Surely it isn't all "demon possession/oppression" as I've heard people claim? 

And is that book author right - that the demons have all been locked up in hell since 70 AD?  And all the evil in the world is just us and our evil desires?  And apparently, according to that guy, our "minds playing tricks on us" or something? 

I mean it does seem like some mental illness, at least, does something like that - "voices" in schizophrenia, for example, and what about some cases of psychoses or sociopathologies?  I mean, do people really bring that stuff on themselves?  Or is it "genetic" or caused by other people or events in their "environment" - or "generational curses" (yeah, what about those?)

And if people don't "bring it on themselves," but it is caused by other forces, then where is the "fairness" in that?  And are they really "guilty" for what they do?

Is depression really sometimes a matter of chemical imbalance in the brain?  What about dementia?  How is that fair?  Yeah, what about that?

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit - I know You love us and are with us through all that stuff (which makes me doubt those claims of it all being caused by our own ... sin, I guess.  The Pharisees would have loved that reasoning...).

And I know we can depend on You.  And that You are "in control" in the end ... and yes, in the present, too, even when it looks like everything around us is "out of control."  And You "allow things for our good."  ...  Okay, listen ... Are all these statements true?  Really?  I mean, really?  Why doesn't it look like it more, then?

Sometimes, Lord, I worry that the extreme Calvinists are right.  That You've just "chosen" a few.  And the rest are - what? tossed in the garbage heap?  Punished for a choice they didn't have?  ... But what kind of "love" is that?  What kind of justice?  What kind of righteousness?  Or do I just define those things incorrectly?

Is my heart closed to You and Your truth?  I tell people You are so much bigger than we can imagine, and we can't contain Your creativity - and complexity - and love, and judgment, too -- in a little square box of our own making...  But maybe I've been doing that myself?

I mean, I'm pretty sure I've been doing it in terms of my "rejection" of "institutional church forms."

So maybe I've been doing it, too, in my rejection of what "seems impossible" to me - that You could at once both love - BE LOVE - and choose some, while "summarily" rejecting others before they are even born, conceived, whatever?

In some ways, it was a lot easier when all I had to do was "believe" a set of rules or doctrines someone assured me were true.

But Lord, it seems now that You are asking me to just "accept You" in all Your complexity - whatever that may turn out to include (or not include) - to accept you without judgment!?!?!?!?

And is that how You accept me, through Jesus?  Because if it is, You really are far beyond what I can imagine...

Then how can You be both judge - and non-judging? And who gets to be non-judged?  And how can we know for sure?  Surely it has to be more complex than "come to the front of the church and say the sinner's prayer."  But maybe the seemingly trite things have far more depth than we think.  Or depth in a totally different way that we think?

And who gets to be "judged"?  And do every one of the "judged ones" actually "get a choice" in some way after all?  Or "no choice" except "Your choice"?  I get  (well, theoretically at least, I get) that You as Creator have the right to deal with Your creation as You wish, but ... but ... but ... Oh.  Am I "judging You" again?

Well, and then, of course, there IS Job.

Time to stop.

(Will I "get judged" for coming out and writing down what has been going through my heart and mind for so long ... which You know completely anyway?  No, I don't think so.  I don't believe so!  "There is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus."  And I AM. 

I mean, I know I am Your child.
So why am I worrying?
Does the way that book has disturbed me make it evil? (or showed me to be evil?)
Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?

Please! I need to know the truth!
I need to know You!
(Maybe I need to trust You, too?)

Amen.

Loss of words

(Written Nov 6, 2011 in my journal)

Father, I seem to mostly be on a "dead-end" when it comes to writing on my Church Journey blog - or even here talking to You (but here I am ...).

What is happening?  I feel "checked" - like I should sit back, observe and listen - and once in awhile maybe say something kindly and gently ...  Father, I believe You are giving me words, and love ... and they aren't "in-your-face Christian preaching/proclaiming."  They don't "present the gospel and ask for a response."  Sometimes they don't use Your name(s) at all.

I do find, in groups especially, that I have little to say... though I think things ... but they don't seem important enough to "interrupt."  And sometimes it just feels comfortable to sit back with people and say nothing.  There is something about "companionable silence," especially if there is no electronic noise to interrupt it, and especially when it is outdoors.

I just feel like a lot of the time I don't have anything "valuable" to talk about.  Honestly, I feel kind of overwhelmed.  Sometimes I don't know what to say:  I'm just not nearly so sure about a lot of "doctrines and beliefs" as I used to be.  And things I do know, I seem to know in a ... well ... deeper, more heart-level way.  And sometimes  that just seems inexpressible in words.  How does one "say" heart-knowing things?

It really hurts me, too, these days, when people write and/or say hurtful or hurting things.  Why do I "feel their pain" so much more?  And why do I wish people would just be kind and loving to others?  Why does "history" no longer seem like facts to be analyzed, but rather to so often be composed of incomprehensible and sad and confusing and foolish interactions between people.  People who should just "grow up!" ... in You, I suppose! ... and "get along!"?

Hmm...  Guessing this is the kind of thing I could blog about on My Church Journey.  (As if anyone would be interested...)