Monday, 3 July 2017


(originally journaled May 24, 2017)

Dear God,

How can I know when it's Your voice and direction I'm "hearing"? I feel so tangled up in all the different perspectives and traditions and worldviews and dogmas (and "heresies") I've been taught through the years.

Am I really not to have "fun" and "humour" and "adventure?" If not, if I'm supposed to be "serious," then what about the "joy" You promise?

What about how I feel about Your Presence and Your direction when I read Your word and pray and ask for Your guidance--and then I get "whacked" by people who apparently think I'm way off from Your way? Yes, I feel like they are "weed-whacking" me, trying to destroy all the "weeds" they perceive in my thinking. If necessary, mowing me totally down to the ground.

And yet here I've thought You've been guiding me, and even hoping maybe I was hearing Your voice at least a little. Yet right now I'm feeling totally lost instead and maybe even that You have "cast me out," like I've "committed the unpardonable sin" or something.

Yes, I know I've failed You and denied You even, over and over. But You know my heart and You know my longing to truly do better, to love and follow and obey You.

So what's up?

Is this all a part of the process of changing me, remaking me, moulding me to Your will and way (rather than to the will and way of other people, no matter how well-meaning and sure of their rightness they may be). I don't mind You doing that, either--as long as it is truly You and not just some person's perception and interpretation of You.

Because there are so many different perceptions and interpretations of You, and I'm totally sure that not a single one of us (individual believers or groups/denominations of believers) have You all figured out. Only You are Truth, right?

Though You have decided to use us weak human beings to bring Your Truth to the world. But how can we, how can I do that, when I can't seem to find out what truth is, beyond its being You... You who are more than I could ever really know or comprehend!

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