Saturday, 26 December 2009

being... doing... loneliness for You and Your family

December 18, 2009

Papa, You know how bad I’ve been feeling – and being/doing! I have spoken against this church’s plans to continue on even though they only have about 10 people left. I complain that they don’t “reach out” – well, that most churches don’t reach out but just are inward-looking and want to be the biggest and the best. I should NOT complain or criticize or judge! And I’m sorry!

Yet at the same time I find myself reading that denominational magazine about their goal to fulfill the Great Commission in North America by 2020 (and wherever else they can in the rest of the world with all the missionaries they support) by prayer-walking their church neighborhoods, and having a day of prayer on March 20 all day, praying for each person they met, and putting out invitations to every home in their church neighborhoods for their Easter services… and that’s just their 2010 plans. And Papa, it sounds exciting, and makes me want to be a part of it…

And then I remember all the prayer-walking (and praying otherwise) that I used to do for my communities… and I wonder if anything came of it? Because I haven’t “seen” the results myself (or perhaps I just haven’t recognized them)… though I sure have seen Your answers in my own family… and am trusting You for more…

But Papa, it does seem – again – that lately I just haven’t been paying, and haven’t been in Your word, like I used to be. And I find I am really missing You. And I am missing Your people, Your family. I like the street ministry, but I really miss studying Your word in more depth, and I really feel like my “hospitality” there isn’t enough… Papa??? … And I’d like to go to G’s gatherings to discuss You and Your word… but it doesn’t seem to work out… And I’d love to have people into my home – often – to feed them, to be friends, to show (LIVE!) Your love, to study Your word together, to jam a bit, to worship You together… but it seems mostly impossible.

Proverbs 18:2 “A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind.”
(Is that me, Papa??) (I do want to understand… I do want to know You… and be like You… with You… united in spirit with Your Spirit… as Your child… You my Father, Saviour, Spirit, Guide!

Okay, Papa, I have to tell You… I am lonely. I know You are “enough.” … In fact, You are ALL… and yet, it seems You have chosen to make us with the need to live in community… and I feel that I’m not. Okay, I am, maybe at least somewhat, hospitality-wise (but not at my home hardly at all – which really does break my heart… but intellectually and spiritually – I feel alone – lonely, okay! …

I feel like my mind is “losing it” because I’m not being intellectually stimulated! At least when I was teaching I got to go to those conferences, and some really interesting ProD’s… and it was a challenge to design lesson plans and outlines… and learn a new language…

But now I feel like my brain is turning to mush. I know some (maybe a lot) of it is my fault: too much watching TV etc: but You know how that got started – and why at least some of it continues (and I don’t know what to do about that… but once it is going, I have a hard time to stop, even when “the reason” ends… You know…)

But it seems like I really need interaction studying Your word (which I really want to do!). I have wonderful times of interaction with You – but I want it with others, too.

(Or at least some deadlines – like taking a course or whatever) (or even some feedback to what I write) (I loved the feedback last night at writer’s group… and even that comment on my “family story” site today! Wow! Makes me want to get writing again!) (But I’m having a hard time settling down to it, focusing on it. Help!!!! Please???! Thank You!)

Proverbs 18:4 “The words of a man’s mouth are deep water; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.” (That’s how I want to be – a bubbling source of wisdom – rather than a babbling fool of many empty words…)

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe.” (That’s why I want to write about You.) (And have all my writing led by You)!
Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” (and/or of the pen…)
Proverbs 18:24 “…there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Yes! That’s YOU!)

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